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Subject: Moving Beyond Bitterness
Date: August 16, 2001
Related Article: Wisdom of the Ages
Bitterness grasps our inner being and holds us in bondage. It begins as a small seed and overtakes us in a powerful way. Once it has it s hold on us, we struggle to become free and wonder if it will ever be possible. It is possible through a miraculous tool called forgiveness. Please join this session as we focus on the freedom that is available to each of us.
- What things cause bitterness in our lives?
- What are the signs of carrying bitterness?
- Harboring bitterness can be a burden, how does it damage our own emotional well-being?
- How does it damage others?
- What steps are necessary to rid of bitterness in our lives?
- What role does forgiveness play?
Participants: cwt, faith, joyful, Shey, Spud, jw. Lynda, cakelady
Cwt-- Our session today is on Moving Beyond Bitterness
Cwt-- "Lord I thank you for this day... I ask that you would protect us from technical difficulties and guide our conversation. Amen"
Faith-- Amen
cwt --Our discussion today is "Moving Beyond Bitterness"
jw-- Aren't you glad God doesn't have problems on the receiving end?!
Shey-- for sure
cwt --What are some of the things that cause bitterness in our lives? cwt (besides technical glitches on the computer)
Faith-- Disappointment, unforgiveness.
Cwt-- Ongoing hurts and abuse
cwt --The lack of consideration from others when it happens continually - showing lack of respect.
Faith --That is a good one.
Cwt-- Bitterness has a way of creeping in and we don't even know where it took over.
Shey-- we expect too much of people and they don't measure up
cwt --good point
Faith-- True
Cwt-- It's easy for people to let us down if they don't meet our expectations.
Cwt-- We don't always ask ourselves if our expectations were real ... and if the other party ever committed to meet those expectations.
Faith-- That is so true.
Jw-- Not just "people"...I've seen people angry to the point of becoming bitter against God.
Cwt-- For example ... in marriage ...we can expect our spouse to do certain household duties regularly, but they never agreed to that.
Faith-- Very often they haven't even agreed to meet those expectations we place upon them.
Cwt-- That is a great point jw
Bitterness at God is a very difficult thing to work through cwt There are usually a lot of issues involved.
Faith --Very often people wonder why God allowed something to happen to them.
cwt --What are some signs of carrying bitterness?
Faith-- And they do become bitter towards Him.
cwt --Stress, easily angered.
Jw-- a growing hardness of heart
cwt --good point
Faith-- Depression or even Hatred.
Cwt-- it can be slow growing too cwt ulcers, and many other medical problems cwt What are some ways people become bitter at God?
Faith-- When God doesn't respond the way we think He should.
Cwt-- Perhaps they deal with unmet hopes and dreams
Jw-- They think they know what God "should" do, and then He doesn't do it.
cwt --The other day we had a session on Infertility .... an easy environment to become bitter.
Faith-- Sometimes we are wanting a "yes" and He says "no" or wait.
cwt --Our guest shared her struggles and victory in dealing with those unmet hopes and how she had to give it continually over to God.
Jw-- If we refuse to let God be God, and instead try to enthrone ourselves, we will become bitter to some extent. Cwt-- That is the truth!
Faith-- She was a wonderful testimony to her faith.
cwt --You know in a subtle way, we can do that often by taking control and not trusting God.
Shey-- unexpected deaths are a big thing that people get bitter at God for
Cwt-- That is true ....
Faith-- Good point Shey.
Jw-- the death of any "dream" can be fertile ground for bitterness.
Faith-- That is true cwt. Sometimes we don't always realize we are trying to take control and then it is pointed out.
Cwt-- When we back up and look at why we have these expectations that everything will go well for us ... we really don't have a basis to believe that, do we? ............................
Jw-- Good question, cwt.
Faith--Sometimes we do try to take control and want things on our time table not God's.
cwt --It's as though we have a right to things going perfectly fine.
Jw-- He's promised us eternal life, not an easy life here & now. In fact, we are promised tribulation...
Cwt-- I think of those in wartorn countries ... and they don't think like that. It seems to be a North American way of thinking.
Cwt-- Harboring bitterness can be a burden, how does it damage our own emotional well-being? Cwt-- In times in my life when I have felt bitterness, I have felt unclean and ugly inside.
Cwt-- It's cancerous ... and eats me up from the inside out.
Faith-- It can cause us to lash out at others and that is damaging.
Jw-- It is like a weed, choking out the fruit of the Spirit.
cwt --There is no peace in the heart.
cwt --good analogy
Faith-- And if it isn't removed it can grow back even worse than before.
Cwt-- Bitterness doesn't usually stay at one level. It grows and grows.
Faith-- And definitely ruins relationships with other people.
cwt --When you think of people you know who have bitterness .... they seem to leave a trail behind them of pain.
Shey-- it seems to put a dirty film on everything and everyone we see
Faith --That is so true.
cwt --Somehow they are not happy to be bitter alone.... they want others to hate with them.
Cwt-- What are some ways this kind of bitterness damages others?
Faith-- Very true. It can come out in the form of negativity and that does spread.
Jw-- That's the problem...if I allow bitterness, it will affect my relationships w/ others, and make them think it's OK to be bitter themselves.
Faith-- Depending on who the bitterness is affecting, it can cause the person on the end of it to feel like something is wrong with themselves.
Jw-- good point, Faith.
cwt --I think of adults who have been hurt by their parents and the bitterness they pass on to their children. That is true Faith!
cwt --It's easy to ask yourself "what is wrong" around someone who is bitter.
Faith-- If a parent does this it can cause low self-esteem in the children.
Jw-- Does anybody remember the reference to the verse about a "root of bitterness"...defiling many?
Cwt-- I'm sorry I don't remember it .... but I know what you are talking about.
Faith --Yes, I did read that today. I think it may have been in Phillipians
Cwt-- It takes such a small amount of bitterness to spread to so many
Cwt-- I am often amazed ... a happy person seems to walk in a room of upset people ... and they may/maynot change the atmosphere. But ... an unhappy person walks in and usually the atmosphere changes quickly.
Shey-- it's kind of like one bad strawberry spreading through out a whole basket
Cwt-- Anyone else experience that? cwt true
joyful --That's why the root of bitterness is such a good picture...you may not see the root right away, but it sure spreads
cwt-- good point
cwt --A root is truly underground.
Jw-- and sometimes hard to get out, cwt.
Joyful-- yes, and once it takes hold, it is very difficult to get rid of joyful you and I were thinking the same thing jw
Cwt-- Unforgiveness starts ... and usually it is very easily rationalized. It seems ok to feel what you are feeling because you have been treated unjustly.
Faith-- Very true.
cwt --Then one day it feels like it runs through your entire being.
Faith --Self-pity often occurs.
Cwt-- Good point.
cwt --Sometimes we look at bitterness coming out of conflict and other relationships, but it can grow out of self-pity as well.
Jw-- Someone once said when we are confronted w/ a "hurt", we can either confront it or cover it. To stuff it allows bitterness to grow unchecked.
Cwt-- What are some ways of dealing with self-pity so it won't grow into bitterness?
Joyful-- It can also grow out of unforgiveness too
Faith --Sometimes we feel like we want to hurt the other person and remain angry. But this only hurts ourselves.
Cwt-- Absolutely? cwt oops (no ?)
Joyful-- Someone once described bitterness as giving the enemy a foothold....
Faith --I think the first step is to admit we have a problem. joyful once he has that, he begins to take over . Often we try to hide unforgiveness.
Cwt-- That is true . These emotions are so difficult to see in the mirror. I dislike others pointing them out. Wow .. denial kicks in like never before, doesn't it?
Faith --Very true.
Cwt-- But then in the quietness of our hearts, we realize the truth cwt It's as we seek God and allow Him to open our eyes that we begin to see ourselves the way He does.
Cwt-- What steps are necessary to rid ourselves of bitterness in our lives?
Faith --Confession is really what opens the door to forgiveness.
Jw-- yet, some of the "emotions" are a part of grieving a real loss...maybe we reject them totally at our own peril.
joyful --I love the illustration that as we get closer to the light, the more we see the dirt in our lives...in the dark we don't see it....
cwt --that is so true
spud-- We need to admit that we are bitter first
cwt-- So ... how much responsibility/authority do we have to turn the light on in other's lives?
Joyful-- true, and begin to move closer to the light, that is spending time with the Father, in His word and in prayer
Cwt-- I think we need to really seek God in that area. That He would guide us in our steps.
Spud-- total responsility on our part!
Cwt-- So much depends on the relationship we have with the person cwt
Cakelady-- oh, bittterness, that's big topic, isnt it.
Cwt-- We are having a topical discussion - which this chat room does several times a week. cwt We are discussing Moving Beyond Bitterness
Lynda --sounds like a topic I could learn from
Cwt-- we all can
Jw-- So...if you have something that is coming your way that has potential for bitterness, how are you proactive to avoid it?
Cakelady-- Keep forgiveness going when offences come
Joyful-- Good question jw!
Cwt-- I think your question has a lot of the answer in it ... recognizing the "potential" for bitterness! That is key to beginning to deal with it.
joyful --I think giving God our feelings of hurt...and letting Him deal with them
Lynda-- wouldn't bitterness come from or be a fruit of denial?
Cwt-- How often do we ignore that "potential" and keep nurturing the unforgiveness?
Cwt-- I think it can certainly be that
Jw-- what do you mean, Lynda?
Lynda-- I'm just wondering as I think about it right now I must say I have been bitter
Lynda-- we filed bankruptsy in Feb of 2000 and I have been i guess one would say a little bitter
Cwt--Has something difficult taken place in your life?
Faith-- That is difficult. I am sorry.
Cwt-- I'm sorry for that ... it must be very difficult.
Lynda-- it is we lost our jobs our home our livlihood, its a little scary
Cwt-- How have you been dealing with the incredible amount of pain?
Joyful-- That is very hard
Lynda-- joyful a real challenge not to become bitter
Cakelady-- I'm sorry this has happened to you and your family
Lynda-- Ito be honest, ..........i have stuffed it, and say thats life
cwt "Lord I pray for Lynda .... that you would give her and her family the wisdom and strength to go through the pain and difficulty of this time. I pray that we might encourage her tonight" Amen cwt Hi Annie.
Jw-- Depending on personality, Lynda, stuffing it is so easy!
Cwt-- We are talking about situations that lead to bitterness cwt That is true.
Joyful-- Father, give Lynda more of your grace as she goes through this trial in her life.
Lynda-- it has been the way I have coped with alot in my life
Cwt-- Sometimes we feel we need to make things look all together and inside our hearts it eats us alive.
Faith-- Sometimes it is hard to believe but good things can eventually come out of bad situations.
Cwt-- Do you have a meaningful relationship with Christ that helps you in these times?
Lynda --I know and I have the faith as little as it is these days, to keep on keeping on
cwt --Did you lose your home in this process?
Lynda-- yes we lost our home
Cwt-- So, you and your family have had to start from scratch c
Cakelady-- Oh, Jesus please heal the hurts in Lynda
Lynda-- I almost feel like I'm just surviving, yes we're starting over.
joyful --That's when it is hard to not depend upon feelings...Faith is not a Feeling is an excellent book to read
cwt --Earlier we talked about it being easy to become bitter with God during these hard times when our expectations are not met. cwt Have you struggled with this ?
Lynda-- I'm 41 and my hunny is 46, we have 4 kids still at home, I'm sorry all up to now I've been pretty cheery and full of hope
Cwt-- How incredibly difficult.
Joyful-- the author Ney Bailey talks about how important it is to take God at His word...that His word is more real than the circumstances or situations....sometimes I need to remind myself of that over and over again
Cwt-- In difficult times I find I need to rely on God in a new and fresh way. He then becomes my very strength in weakness.
Joyful-- that is so true cwt
Lynda-- I think that in society there is to much importance put on things, and having money, I guess thats what I resent
Cakelady-- you are right
Faith --Sometimes circumstances are not as important as what we do with them.
Faith-- That is so true Lynda.
cwt --It is amazing when we can let go of the inner pain we gain a new strength.
Lynda-- I think that is the key, to rely on God in a new and fresh way jw I'm so thankful for friends who will ask the "hard questions" during tough times, being more concerned about the inner man than comfort.
Cwt-- Have you heard of the Spirit-filled Life? And how that helps us rely on God? It is called Spiritual Breathing
Faith --Can you explain cwt?
cwt --We exhale ..... breathe out the impure and inhale the pure cwt When we exhale, we confess our sins.
Lynda-- We made alot of mistakes leading up to the bankruptcy and much was revealed through it for that I am not sorry, but darn does it have to be so hard?
cwt --When we inhale, we surrender the control of our life to Christ and receive the fullness of the Holy Spirit by faith.
Lynda-- yes please explain
cwt --So ... as we confess our sins (our anger, unforgiveness, etc. whatever God lays on our hearts) we are cleansed ... and then we inhale and allow the Holy Spirit to take over.
cwt --It is as if we have Jesus in our car ..but we like to take the steering wheel ... then we realize that and allow Him to drive. He is such a better driver than we are ... and He knows the way... but time and time again, we think we know it better than He does.
Cwt-- Does this make sense Lynda?
Lynda-- oh yes. I've never quite heard it like that
Lynda-- i Like it
cwt --So ... in your situation ... as there are hurts and pain, God does know the way through it and as you give Him that steering wheel ... He drives for you.
Cwt-- We often look for the way around the pain ..... but God wants to go with us (together) through the pain. The hard way .... but the way we learn so much. Years ago I went through a very painful time and I asked God to help me to learn all I could so as to not waste the suffering.
Faith-- So by your painful time something good did come out of it. You are able to demonstrate your faith and that is wonderful.
Cwt-- I was strengthened from the inside out.
Cakelady-- You are now able to be a blessing to others
cwt --The kind of strength that only comes out of a refining process.
Cwt-- I desperately was seeking the way around the pain.
jw --But the flesh sometimes cries out...no more!
Cwt-- I know God understands that because He felt complete pain and abandonment on the cross.
Lynda-- thats what my flesh is saying.......:-)
Cwt-- He chose to go through the pain because of the big picture. What we often misunderstand .... is that it is ok to say it hurts and that we don't like it. We just can't wallow in it. Nor allow the bitterness to take over.
Cakelady-- That's the part we give over to Him
Joyful-- So true cwt...I have known much pain in my life...but by giving it over to God He can use it in my life and redeem it
Faith --Through God's spirit he wants to give us the power to change. He wants to remove the pain in our hearts.
Cwt-- I encourage you Lynda to pray that you would learn all that God is teaching you through this hard time.
Joyful-- In Isaiah it says that "He redeems the years that the locusts have eaten"..I love that...He never wastes anything
jw --By faith, joyful, I know that is true, but it's hard to see sometimes.
joyful --I hear you jw....
Lynda-- I think that my bitterness is more towards myself thats why I ask if its a fruit of denial
cwt --Day by day, moment by moment .... as you walk, God will be a light to your feet and guide your steps. cwt When God reveals those things to you, confess them, let go of them ... and then keep going forward. We are our own worst enemy
cakelady-- That is so true, cwt
Lynda-- I do alot of internalizing and maye I shouldn't but I wonder at times if I was bitter it would be because of how I reacted to a situation or not dealt with something
Jw-- A pastor said a few years ago that our choice is either to receive grace, or face the results of bitterness (Heb 12)
cwt --The great thing is that we can always go forward from this point. We don't have to undo the past.
Joyful-- that is quite the statement jw!
Faith-- Yes, let the past remain behind us.
Cwt-- Amen! cwt The hour we meet together flies by so quickly.
Jw-- too quickly!
Joyful-- Psalms tells us that God can make beauty out of ashes....
jw --Where is that, joyful
Lynda --you are so right , why have I forgotten these things? I would hate to be turned to a pillar of salt for looking back so much
Joyful-- sorry I don't know the reference...I will have to look it up
Joyful-- maybe look for ashes in the concordance
Jw-- that's OK, I'll find it later.
Cwt-- "Lord i thank you so much for this great discussion on You and how You love for us to be free from bitterness. I ask that you would heal the pain in Lynda's heart and that you would guide and direct her. I thank you Lord that you brought us together tonight. Bless each of us as we depart. Thank you Lord. Amen"
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