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Subject: Encouraging
Date: June 22, 2000
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Blessing
Hi Shey
Shey
hi
Blessing
Glad you could join us, its awfully quiet so far
Shey
where is Karing
Blessing
She will be joining us soon
Blessing
Have you heard from your missionary lately?
Shey
He phoned yesterday but I wasn'y home
Blessing
too bad, hate to miss those calls
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Shey
my mom was here so she told me everything
Blessing
good 1
Blessing
I mean good!
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Shey
my son graduated from kindergarden yesterday
Blessing
Hi watching, welcome
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Blessing
graduations are special at all ages!
Blessing
HI Karing, you are early
Karing
Hi .... I hurried to get here....
Blessing
glad to have you
Karing
Hi watching & Shey
Shey
hi Karing
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Karing
She will be right back
Karing
We will get started fairly soon
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Shey
great
cwt
Now we can get started
cwt
Lets begin in prayer
Karing
ok
cwt
Lord we ask you to join us in this session adn that your Holy
cwt
Spirit would be our guide and teach us,amen
Karing
"Lord, thank you for this opportunity to discuss the men in our lives. I ask for your spirit to protect, guard and guide this
room. Amen"
cwt
lets begin with the first discussion question, How can we honor the men in our lives?
Karing
Isn't honor similar to respect?
Karing
What makes it different?
cwt
Good question, I think they are totally related
Karing
Sometimes I think honor is a step above the word respect.
Karing
Any comments?
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cwt
Honor may involve a deeper relationship
cwt
Hi Bernice
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Bernice
hi all
cwt
both honor and respect imply a worthiness
cwt
welcome girls
Bernice
where are we...?
Karing
Welcome
Karing
We are discussing honoring the men in our lives
cwt
we are discussing how we can honor the men in our lives
cwt
We can show them appreciation
Shey
';
cwt
this can be verbal or tangible
Bernice
How would you define honor?
Karing
Recognizing them for the value in their lives
cwt
enhancing their self esteem
Bernice
Gary Smalley says "stamp Stratevarius on their forehead"
cwt
appreciating the man God created them to be
Karing
That is great
cwt
I have heard that it is great!
Bernice
I think it means appreciating their strengths and weaknesses -- and honoring them anyway.
Karing
It's so easy to be critical and not take the time to show honor and respect - even though it may underly everything we
feel about our mate
cwt
We can verbalize honor in our words, we must choose them carefully
Karing
That is true
Karing
We can show honor in how we handle conflict.
cwt
yes, I think by loving them unconditionally we show honor and respect
Bernice
Choices have so much to do with it!
cwt
always
cwt
I have heard that we can show respect and honor to our men by being their cheerleaders
Bernice
I like to think in terms of reaction vs response -- although I tend to do more reaction!
Karing
How do we show honor when we don't agree with them - or do we still need to?
cwt
I think if it is against Gods laws, or what the Bible says then we do not need to show respect for that behaviour
Bernice
Scripture seems to say honor with no strings attached
Karing
I've heard many different perspectives on this ....
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cwt
so lets talk about this
Bernice
I suppose in a bad situation one must deal with things in a "tough love" sort of way, but still with honor
Karing
Sometimes it is easier to find perspective looking at extreme examples.
Karing
If your spouse was involved in criminal activity - how do you honor?
cwt
what about girls who are married to un beleiving husbands, they should honor at all times except when it is an attitude
or behaviour that is against what the Bible says
Karing
I think you can't show respect for the behaviour - but still love and forgive the person.
cwt
what do the rest of you think?
Bernice
I think I agree Cwt. It is a balance with true love requiring respect for person, not necessarily actions
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Bernice
Are honor/respect same thing?
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Karing
We were discussing that when you came in.
Bernice
sorry I missed it
Karing
Honor in the dictionary is defined by the word respect.
Karing
We hadn't looked up respect yet
cwt
great way to put it ,well lets move on to discussing how we can help our husbands to grow spiritually
Bernice
We need to know the way they learn
Karing
When I got married my husband was quite a new believer - and I had been Christian for years.
Karing
I would often defer spiritual leadership to him.
Bernice
did you find that difficult?
Karing
Sometimes it was frustrating because my level of understanding was so different.
Karing
He heard about a missionary need in another part of the world ... and wanted to zoom away. I didn't
Bernice
I bet you had to trust God to guide!
Karing
He's grown tremendously - but he also had great input at that time.
Karing
He was told - wait until God calls you both to make a big decision that affects both of you.
Karing
That was incredibly helpful in almost all areas of our life
Bernice
My husband is the same- a very quiet leader, hard to follow. I find mostly in my heart I know what he wants....
Bernice
BRB
cwt
Great new zeal! I think that an obvious and most important answer is to pray for them and ask the Holy Spirit to work
in their lives
Karing
It's also important to not put your spiritual growth on hold during those kind of times.
Bernice
Amen to that!
Karing
For example ... if you would like to pray as a couple - and he doesn't take the initiative - go ahead and take it ... in time
he may initiate it.
cwt
I agree, this is great adviceAnd our responsibility is to love them and live a Christ like life
Bernice
Biggest thing I've learned is that God holds me accountable for how I respond to my husband
cwt
We can do this with our kids as well, take the leadership in disciplinmg them
Karing
It is so important to not have a superior attitude.
cwt
yes, that is pride and it can creep in so subtly
Bernice
But I think too, if husband doesn't want to pray with you, that you have to accept that also
Karing
When there are kids in the picture it is easy for women to put down their mate for lack of spiritual leadership - and kids
are so smart - they pick up on it.
Karing
I agree Bernice.
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cwt
yes, I agree Bernice, we cant force them to do spiritual things thats when we need to be quiet and pray
Karing
We need to dispel the IDEAL .... and accept and work with the REAL
cwt
I have heard the saying that we may be the only Bible that our kids read
cwt
good line
Bernice
Life or husbands (or wives for that matter...arn't ideal!
Karing
Isn't that the truth.
cwt
You are right, no one is perfect
Karing
I don't know why we forever fall into the trap of having huge expectations that are impossible to meet
Bernice
I think the more I look at how God needs to change me, the less I see how God needs to change my husband...
cwt
It can lead to a sense of failure
cwt
well lets talk about what is involved in the woman behind the man
cwt
I think tremendous support in both his strengths and weaknesses is involved with this
Karing
I love the story of the mayor and his wife that were going for a drive. As they drove by a construction site where the
wife's boyfriend from long ago worked, the mayor said "can you imagine what your life would have been like had you
married Jack - you would have been a construction worker's wife instead of a mayor's wife." She answered, "No ...
Jack would have been the mayor."
cwt
That is so good!
Karing
What a reminder of the influence we can have.
cwt
we have such a tremendous influence as a wife, we make or break the team
Karing
I think we especially have influence when they are down.
cwt
yes, lets talk about how we can be of an encouragment to them when they are down
Bernice
Sorry, gone for a sec
Karing
Stormie Omartian in "Being a Praying Wife" talks about how almost all men reach super low points - yet they are
scared to acknowledge it because they think they are the only ones.
cwt
verbal affirmation is great during those low times
cwt
that is a superb book!
Bernice
We have to know them well enough to know what would encourage them...their language of love so to speak
Karing
Sometimes they don't believe you ....when they are low enough
Karing
Love language is a key communicator
cwt
yes, but we just need to keep building into them
cwt
Gary Smalleys books are so good on those topics
Bernice
I think so. Often I find my husband lets me know what will be of encouragement to him---I try to remember for later
cwt
yes, mine does too, I tell him he needs to remind me often
Karing
You know that is a good idea .... to ask when your in a "no trouble zone"
cwt
thats part of the communication I guess
Karing
Not putting down when it might be tempting to - is probably one of the most helpful things we could do.
Bernice
trying to ask in trouble spots, just make bigger trouble spots!
Karing
Good point!
Karing
Like trying to spot wash a stain....
cwt
yes, the taming of that tongue is so important. Sometimes when Ihave out of control spells, I choose to read the chapter
in James on the tongue over and over
Bernice
my husband falls asleep in a second, I have to be sure I catch him awake!
Karing
That is probably more helpful in communication.
cwt
In all of these things the Holy Spirit is our best guide, to practise spiritual breathing and constantly keeping short
accounts with the Lord
Bernice
My man has trouble reading, so I got him a NLT bible, he appreciated it because it recognized a weakness, yet was
encouragement too.
Karing
He will certainly direct us - if we look to Him for that direction. We need to take that responsibility though.
cwt
So how can we help encourage our husbands to become strong leaders in areas that they may not be gifted in?
Bernice
I'm not sure we should? Do you?
Karing
I do
cwt
I dont know, some men feel intimaidated by wives that take on too much responsibility
cwt
I think that in areas that we are stronger than they are we can include them in the process oa making a decision
Bernice
depends on what you are talking about. In the home maybe, but in ministry I tend to feel that he should accept the gifts
he has.
cwt
absolutely in ministry one should work only in gifted areas
Bernice
Your communication has to be very good -- learning to balance each other's strengths& weaknesses.
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Bernice
hiya spud!
cwt
Hi spud
Karing
Hi spud
Karing
Great name
spud
hi
cwt
we are talking about encouraging our husbands in their areas of leadership and in their areas of weakness
spud
my husbands nick name for me
Bernice
cute
Karing
That is cute
cwt
I think in areas of weakness we need to be careful not to ridicule them especially in front of kids
spud
I thought the study was at 9:00
Bernice
that is a tough one sometimes....
Karing
Can you define ridicule?
Karing
Where are you at - ?
Karing
8 - Mountain time which for me is Alberta.
spud
Calgary
cwt
hurtful words in anyway is ridicule, even in jest we have to be careful we all have experieinced that Im sure
Bernice
ridicule is more making fun -- or your so stupid - type of comments isn't it?
cwt
yes, can be dangerous
Karing
Yes ... but I think we can put them down without being so bold as to ridicule.
Bernice
7 here in B.C.
Bernice
snide
cwt
Even so should we?
Karing
Sometimes it almost makes you cringe with the subtle ways that women put down their spouses.
Bernice
no, but it isn't easy especially if you tend to run at the mouth like me....
cwt
There is a great article on that topic on the Christianwomentoday website righjt now
Karing
I think that if we feel frustrated with our spouses in any area ... any kind of put down in front of anyone aggravates the
situation.
cwt
Its a shame how many women talk negatively about their spouses, sad
Bernice
I think you have to ask the H.S. to make you sensitive to your husband's feelings.
Karing
It's better to wait until we can be together privately - and sensitively bring up issues.
Bernice
sometimes I know I've hurt -- when I didn't mean to or know it
cwt
yes, good point and choose to love by faith even in those times you dont feel like it
Karing
It may not be easy to do - so it may be better to wait until we don't have a lot of emotion involved with it.
Bernice
That is right!
cwt
time out - just like our kids!
Karing
Good point!
Bernice
I've done it....take a drive, walk the dog....
cwt
Especially late at night, it can be the worse time for a heavy discussion
Karing
Ok ... how do we do that ... we are frustrated, uptight .... hurt ... and need to talk ... and we know it probably won't be
nice.
Bernice
current emotional state...ever got in an argument and later wondered what on earth it was about
Karing
I've begun to tell my husband just that upfront.
Bernice
Gary Smalley Emotional word pictures are an awesome tool. I've found them very effective!
Karing
He sometimes asks if we can wait until we can talk about it more clearly - when I preface it like that. (He says it in a
loving way)
Bernice
If you can't tell -- I'm a fan of his! LOL!
cwt
great books and great advice
cwt
what do you think of conflict in front of children?
Bernice
timing is SO important ---
Karing
CAREFULLY
cwt
good points, its a touchy subject
Bernice
How do you get your children to leave you alone? Lock yourself in the bathroom?
cwt
But I think to model good conflict resolution for kids is important
Karing
I think they need to know that parents have struggles that they can work out ... that it isn't just happy go-lucky, but not
frightening for stability.
Bernice
We've had to apologize to our kids for "fighting" in front of them....
cwt
yes, I agree they cant beleive that this world has no relationship challenges, but they also need to learn that it can be
solved in a loving way
Karing
It's also important to discuss the conflicts with the kids that they are part of ... "you know how you kids don't always
get along perfectly ... well we are the same"
cwt
good point
cwt
And to remind them that no one is perfect, including them
Bernice
I think you can communicate to each other where your "hot" buttons are...like when you say.....that drives me nuts...
Karing
Amazing how the kids perspective changes when you remind them that they also have conflict ..
Bernice
or when I'm upset I do (blank) but it isn't directed at you....
cwt
right or have clues or signals to communicate a need to go no further in a conversation
Karing
Again ... important to communicate some of this in a trouble free zone.
Bernice
Yes! my husband has a certain look that he gets...
Karing
I recently heard of a couple that gave an annual report card to each other to see how they were doing.
Bernice
It seems good
cwt
yes, good aidea a conference for evaluation
Karing
That is a good idea - but one would need to be brave to face the news. Positive and negative.
cwt
The Family Life seminars that Campus Crusade puts on are wonderful
Karing
Maybe confident more than brave
Bernice
you could do some goals setting then on how to work on a given area - say read a book on communication
Karing
I know ... They have been very helpful for us.
cwt
Us too, you dont need to be in a bad marriage to appear at one of those
Karing
Good because I've been at 13 Family Life Conferences.
Karing
Did I mention I was helping put them on?
cwt
good for you!
Bernice
No wonder you got good insight...! Sounds like fun!
spud
My husband and I went before we were married. It was great
Karing
We always say we should have a fantastic marriage - with all that input
cwt
They are great
Bernice
I've gone to one.
Bernice
we've?
cwt
got it
Karing
I've been at some where a wife was there alone.
Bernice
smile
cwt
well this has been a great discussion tonight and it has really been inspiring to me
Bernice
time to go already?
Karing
I'm inspired too.
cwt
This is being scripted and hopefully will be online soon.
Karing
This has been a wonderful session.
Bernice
Thanks all. Good to think about these things!
Karing
Feel free to continue chatting .... I have little people that need to go to bed.
cwt
So Lord we thank yo so much for being our God, our souce of strength and love, continue to help us ot be the wives our
husbands need amen
Bernice
I was putting mine to bet inbetween lines...
cwt
Great to meet with you all tonight, join us again on Monday night the same time
Karing
Looking forward to seeing you all then.
Bernice
always Monday & thursday?
cwt
Our topic will be Enriching Our Quiet times
cwt
No we change check the scedule
Karing
Monday is a big night - we seem to get a lot of ladies that night.
spud
I'll make on time next time
Bernice
ok. 7 is hard for me....kids have to get to bed...see if I can join again....
cwt
Have a great evening all!
Bernice
bye cwt!
spud
bye
Karing
"Thank you Lord for this great time together Amen."
cwt
God bless
Karing
Bye
Bernice
And to all a good night!
