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Subject: Steps to Rebuilding Broken Relationships
Date: October 5, 2000
Steps to Rebuilding Broken Relationships
You are in a grocery store .... and you see "her" - the woman who you thought was your closest friend. Just seeing her triggers incredible pain. Your mind cannot help but reflect back to those days when your friendship was deep, meaningful and what you both had thought as lasting forever. It's is hard for you to even try and untangle the process of what took place. Where did the conflict begin? There had always been so much understanding between each other and that is what made the friendship completely unique.
Then your mind reflects back to your lifetime and it grieves you to reflect on the fact that she is not the only friend who you thought would stand by you forever.
What is it that causes these incredible breeches in relationships? Where is the understanding - especially as believers?
Tonight we want to discuss steps to rebuilding relationships .... and also how we can let go of them when we know that there truly is nothing we can do to repair them.
1. What are some of the causes of broken relationships?
2. Discuss some initial stages of restoring relationships.
3. What are Biblical ways to restore broken relationships?
4. Name some examples from the Bible of people who had broken fellowship.
5. How can we honor God in our relationships?
.........Steps to Rebuilding Broken Relationships - October 5, 2000
"Lord I thank you so much for this evening. I pray that as we get i nto the discussion of overcoming broken relationships that you would guide and direct our conversations. In Jesus Name Amen"
soulsister yes father
Spud Dear Father, we ask that your spirit would be here this evening and may we learn things from you.
surefaith yes Lord
cwt Our first question is: What are some of the causes of broken relationships? (As we discuss this ... do you mind staying somewhat general so it can apply to more women?)
surefaith One person changing and not the other.......
cwt true
Spud I think it is can be caused because of miscomunications among each other.
Kay I believe that broken trust and lack of prayer
cwt That is so true
cwt Betrayal
soulsister yes
surefaith yes.
Spud To much compentition
cwt that is right
Kay insecure
cwt jealousy
Shey people changed and so do needs
soulsister yes
surefaith satan working............
Kay amen
cwt Not bothering to understand each other.
soulsister not listening
Spud the enemy wants to steal and tear down walls in relationships
Kay so true
cwt How about common sources of conflict?
cwt ie. Pride
cwt gossip
cwt blame
surefaith committment
cwt dependency
cwt or even co-dependency
cwt anger
surefaith yes
Spud unforgiveness
Shey maybe unforgiven sin
cwt indifference
surefaith feelings hurt
Kay lack of respect for one another
Spud business
cwt Those are a lot of things that can cause conflict.
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surefaith growing apart
cwt "The voluntary nature of friendship is the very thing that makes it special. It is also the very thing which makes it easier for friends to part ways when they are involved in conflict."
cwt Three steps to resolving conflict are:
Judith that is very wise
cwt 1. Discover the source of the conflict
surefaith yes
cwt 2. Initiate restoration
cwt 3. Forgive
cwt Have you ever "survived" conflict in this way?
surefaith yes
Judith but sometimes the other person doesn't want to discuss the source of the conflict
cwt true
Shey I haven't have you?
Spud It's hard to know what the real conflict is sometimes
cwt I believe when that happens and we have followed scriptural principles in resolving conflict .... we have no choice but to let go and forgive.
cwt I have seen this work.
surefaith it is sometimes healthier to walk away it seems sometimes
cwt It could be .... however, I would want to make sure that is what God is doing.
Judith yes surefaith! it is hard to know.
Kay I think when we confront issues if at all possible we will grow in our relationships
cwt I have also discovered that sometimes the person is going through something they cannot share ... and way later - I discover it wasn't about me at all.
cwt I don't think I would walk away from a conflict without an attempt at restoration.
Kay yes that is true in a lot of cases and we should be patient with one another
surefaith It may take time......I have tried numerous times with a friend..
cwt However, if the individual makes it clear that it is not up for talking about - or sometimes they comment "there is nothing wrong", yet you know there is ... then I think it is best to drop it.
surefaith right
Kay Just pray
cwt What does it mean to "initiate restoration"
Spud It's important not to avoid the conflict but I know I hate conflict.
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Judith fix the problem
cwt Hi Sue
surefaith to take the first step and try to resolve things
cwt We are discussing overcoming conflict in friendships ... and currently are discussing how to initiate restoration
surefaith I keep trying and dont get anywhere......maybe I should pray more
cwt Quarrels don't mend themselves. Restoration requires initiation by one person and cooperation from both friends. Conflicts can build for a long time, or they can erup suddenly in a furious quarrel.
surefaith true
cwt In the process of confronting, we need to realize that this can be tricky. It is painful and has ended many friendships.
Judith but sometimes time mends wounds
Kay sometimes God will seperate us for a period of time and in our absense from one another we can see the value of our friendships clearer
cwt "Better is open rebuke than hidden love." Prov. 27:5 "faithful are the wounds of a friend" Prov. 27:6
Kay amen
Kay BRB
cwt Wait until your anger is healed somewhat before you confront and then make sure you ask the Lord to help you plan your words.
surefaith What if you dont even care anymore?
Spud I think it is easier not to confront but this is just running away from conflict not facing it head on!
Judith cwt, can you explain "better open rebuke than hidden love"
cwt Then I would ask the Lord to help me forgive ... and I think I would move on making sure my heart was not bitter.
surefaith thanks cwt
cwt That is in Proverbs ..... a fake friend who pretends to care ... it is better to know where someone really stands even if they don't like you.
cwt Make sense?
cwt The shock of finding out someone pretended to be your friend is so much worse than never thinking they were your friend.
Judith yes, thank you!
surefaith some friends think they care though
cwt I have some "steps to confront" Do you mind if I breeze through them?
Spud please do
Shey great
surefaith I think of that verse.....greater love hath no man than to lay down his life for a friend.
surefaith go ahead cwt
cwt 1. Focus on goals that are bigger than any personal differences - Can we talk about our feelings, while keeping in mind that our friendship is big enough to survive this?
cwt 2. Listen to the way they see the situation - listen with our hearts, eyes and ears even when we have been portrayed negatively. Avoid being defensive. Hear the hurt.
cwt 3. Ask if she will listen to us - Before you begin this .... MAKE SURE she feels she has been heard and not that you were just waiting for her to stop talking so you could say your piece.
cwt 4. Ask her about how she perceived the situation - We all make mistakes - it is ok to admit we are capable of being selfish and wwrong. It is better to speak about our hurt feelings rather than to point a finger and play the blaming game.
cwt 5. Apologize and ask for forgiveness - If she will , we have won back a friend. If she won't, after a time of grieving, we move on and find other close friends. It helps a LOT if she asks for forgiveness too. To maintain a a close relationship both need to be willing to ask for and grant forgiveness.
cwt Thanks for your patience while I typed that all out.
cwt One more.
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cwt 6. Talk about how to avoid another similar breechin the relationship
Spud Where can we find this information? book
cwt Set some ground rules. Agree not to make negative assumptions.
cwt Hi Hope
hope Hi
Kay Hi Hope
cwt (It is from a talk that I wrote)
hope Hi Kay
surefaith it is good advice cwt
Kay excellent advice Sis
cwt Now that we have gone through these guidelines ... do you think some of this is realistic
cwt Would you be willing to take initiative in a hurt relationship?
cwt It really can ding our pride to take that first step.
surefaith yes.........but I do have to walk away in this case ..and finding new relationships is very hard
cwt Deep hurts can take a long time to heal. Forgiveness will need to take place on an ongoing basis and is especially difficult when the relationship is not restored.
cwt Jesus Christ can help us forgive. Do any of you feel free to share a time when you were able to forgive because of the way the Lord helped you?
surefaith Yes..
cwt Are you willing to expand?
Kay TTFN
cwt Thanks for coming
cwt You know I have discovered .... when we have been hurt it is easy to get the "ranks on our side"
surefaith Thirty years ago when I married my husband he insisted on staying in the church my dad had pastored which had hurt us horribly.....It took me almost ten years of praying to forgive the people I had to fellowship with
surefaith it was so hard not to move on......
surefaith but stay in the pain
cwt That is so tragic when people get publicly hurt and exploited.
cwt My heart grieves for the thousands of pastors across the country who are hurt so deeply.
surefaith After my husband died I was hurt again by the same people and finally left the church..
cwt Oh how tragic surefaith - I am so sorry.
surefaith Thought about going back if I need to forgive again.......
surefaith thanks.
hope some close friends of ours were co pastors of a church and were terribly hurt and exploited by the senior pastor
cwt I have often stated .... forgiveness is not a choice - but TRUST is earned - and sometimes not deserved.
surefaith My friend stayed there and didnt understand enough to help.
hope they are still hurting nearly 2 years later, how do I help them?
surefaith that is what is so hard......
cwt So - by that I think that we don't need to intentionally put ourselves in a painful situation.
surefaith Dont you think I should move on.
surefaith She was my very best friend....it is so painful
cwt Hope - I don't know that you can help them except for praying for them - and encouraging them to move beyond that. I think in most of those situations it is truly a no-win situation.
surefaith It has been over eight years......we cant seem to even talk.
surefaith I feel too much hurt
cwt (That is you and your friend)
cwt Give time for healing
surefaith anyone else......I am done
surefaith okay
cwt Not every friendship comes back together again.
hope thank you cwt, it really is hard because these are wonderful people who have really loved and served the Lord at that church
cwt Surefaith - thanks for sharing your story I would like to pray for you.
surefaith thanks
cwt "Lord I pray for surefaith that you would minister to her and give her the strength she needs to rise above the incredible pain of these hurtful relationships. Give her the resources she needs to forgive and to move on. In Jesus Name Amen."
surefaith amen
cwt Have you ever tried to straighten out a wire clothes hanger?
Spud It's hard to get it perfect
cwt Those corners never seem to get perfectly straight - they always leave an impression on the wire. Some friendship breaks are like that. No matter how we try, we can never quite get them straightened out.
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cwt After you have done everything you can to resolve the conflict and if the other person refuses to resume the friendship, there is NOTHING you can do. You need to allow time for healing and perhaps down the road you will have opportunity to restore the friendship.
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cwt What can happen is you can be eaten alive with bitterness if you nurture resentment in your heart. You need to forgive and then frieve for the lost frienship.
cwt oops - "grieve"
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surefaith good point.
cwt Healing cannot begin until you go through the process of forgiveness which doesn't happen by itself - you have to choose to forgive over and over again.
cwt Do you agree that forgiveness in not a one-time deal in these situations?
surefaith yes!!!!!!!
Spud I agree.
cwt If we think of our friendships as bing like a piece of wood where they can have lots of nicks and dents.
cwt Sometimes it adds character, but eventually the wood will need sanding, stripping and refinishing.
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Spud I also think that in order to forgive it needs to hit the core of your emotions.
cwt Then it can once again be beautiful.
cwt Any ideas of examples from the Bible of people who had broken fellowship?
Spud David and King Saul
surefaith maybe king saul and david
surefaith ?Paul and Barnabas
Shey Jacob and Esau
Spud Pual and Barnabas
cwt Cain & Abel
cwt Joseph and his brothers
cwt What were some ways God accomplished His plan through this?
cwt Or do you think these conflicts hindered His plan?
surefaith Joseph saved his family from famine.
cwt true
cwt Weren't quite a few of the conflicts assisting in Jesus's eartly lineage?
cwt I'm thinking of Solomon and Uriah as well.
cwt I mean David & Uriah
cwt Solomon is the result of David's sin .... and part of Jesus's lineage.
cwt I often wonder why God chose these situations when He could have done it another way.
surefaith yes.
cwt How can we honor God in OUR relationships?
cwt I think by staying on top of issues - forgiving - and offering grace.
Spud Not allowing anger to fester in us
Shey maybe he chooses these situations to show that all things do work for good
surefaith yes
cwt I recently sensed a friend had a lot of tension ... and of course I thought this might have been because of me.
cwt Instead of making a big deal - I wrote a note of encouragement affirming her in all her wonderful characteristics.
cwt It was incredible the change ....
cwt I think there is a time to confront and a time to affirm - seek God as to when is the best time to do what.
cwt Any other ideas ?
Spud To really see the good in the other person
surefaith waiting on the Lord is good...It has worked.....Gods timing is perfect
cwt To pray that our hearts might change - and it is amazing how the perspective changes.
cwt You know something as simple as PMS can turn the world upside down.
Spud True
cwt Dealing with conflict on those days may not be honoring to God.
cwt Yet ... waiting until morning can show us that there isn't even a problem (:
cwt Friends are so essential.
Spud This is so true!
cwt Would you care to discuss why?
Shey sure
surefaith to give us balance sometimes.
cwt I often find that women need women so we don't need to trouble our husbands with issues that they don't really understand.
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cwt Hi preburn.
Spud You need someone who you can console in no matter what your goig through
cwt We are discussing the aspect of why friends are essential.
Shey they make life much more exciting
cwt Care to comment.
PreBurn Hello! Good to see you!
PreBurn Mmmm... where can I begin? =)
cwt Friends can give amazing perspective.
cwt In our culture we sometimes have to look a little harder for them. We live in a society where we are all somewhat self-contained and don't necessarily have a sense of community."
surefaith true
PreBurn I fear that a major reason why there is so much depression in the world is because people don't take the time to make and work at friendship.
cwt In by-gone days - they had quilting bees, barn raising, etc. - and everyone helped raise each other's kids.
cwt I totally agree PreBurn
surefaith yes.......and christian fellowship.
cwt Women are incredibly lonely.
Spud This is so true.
PreBurn And it honestly doesn't have to be that way.
cwt Would you say that this is an area you feel your needs are met?
PreBurn Too many women stick themselves in their own homes, and won't leave.
surefaith no
Spud Sometimes we need to make the first move when we want friendships
PreBurn cwt-- I am blessed.
PreBurn Sometimes? I'd say most of the time.
surefaith changing churches makes it hard tho
cwt Surefaith - have you ever developed a close friend since you were hurt by the friend you mentioned at that church?
cwt It is very hard to change churches.
surefaith not really
cwt However, getting into a small community (small group, ladies group) etc. can be helpul - if it has a system in place to help get you connected.
cwt Do you have family?
surefaith not in this state
surefaith three daughters only
cwt So you are very alone then?
surefaith yes.
cwt I am sorry about that ....
surefaith thanks
PreBurn Surefaith, what are some things you enjoy doing?
cwt Why don't we discuss some creative ways to meet new people (potential friends)?
surefaith I moved to a new town.....so it is even harder
cwt A friend of mine refers to them as "friends I haven't met yet"
cwt How long have you been in this town?
surefaith good one
cwt It is harder ... but also easier in one hand ... in that it is a great excuse to meet new people.
PreBurn Harder, but so many opportunities!
surefaith four years........more liberal churches than I am used to...
cwt It is easier to say to a neighbor "I am new in town - want to come for coffee" than "I have been here for a long time "
surefaith People have their friends.......I am 48
cwt Don't look down on yourself like that.
PreBurn Sure faith, my good friend is turning 53, and just met the love of her life!
cwt 48 .... so much to offer to both the young and the older women
cwt Do you know what your spiritual gifts are?
surefaith I know.......I am just so much out of my comfort zone here
PreBurn There ya go.
surefaith compassion.......I did volunteer work but the boss was atheist and didnt want me around after awhile
cwt If your gift is hospitality - try having an afternoon tea - and randomly invite people over - and see what happens.
surefaith I guess I give up too easy.
cwt There is so much you could do.
surefaith Becoming a new grandmother has taken a lot of my time and energy
PreBurn Sounds like you got burned. But how can you hold back from people in the world who need you... and don't you need to be needed?
cwt I like to approach someone I have wanted to get to know and tell them that ... saying I would love to have coffee.
cwt Great point
surefaith Good points...........
PreBurn Surefaith, what kind of volunteer work do you enjoy?
cwt You know there are many who feel as you do - perhaps you could bring light into their life by having them over for coffee - or meeting them at the local coffee shop.
surefaith I usually play piano or sing at nursing homes......
PreBurn Is there a local orphanage? I'm sure the children would ADORE a sing-along.
cwt Right now - the Operation Christmas Child project is about to begin .... an idea could be to get some friends together - and put boxes together for new moms and their newborns
cwt "A surrogate grandmother to women abroad"
surefaith yes.....I helped someone do Operation Christmas Child.
surefaith I guess I am trying to get myself back up spiritually.......
cwt Have a party at your home - invite people to bring their stuff - and then assemble them
surefaith I feel very vulnerable
cwt It is hard when we have been hurt to stand up and try again. But I encourage you.
PreBurn Surefaith, I really believe that when we are God's hands, it's impossible not to stay close to Him.
cwt Do you think you might want to share something with us that you could do this week - and we can pray for you that you will have the boldness to do it?
cwt We could hold you up in prayer while you step forward.
surefaith I am thinking about opening up a Christian book store here.
cwt That would be a great way to get to know people.
surefaith I have a lot of acquaintances here
cwt Is this something that could realistic happen in the near future for you
PreBurn Any acquaintences worth making into friends?
surefaith I love giving christian tapes and videos to children and family. I feel it is a ministry
surefaith not sure..........
PreBurn It very well might be.
surefaith tv is so horrible for kids most of the time.
PreBurn Absolutely!
surefaith My grandaughter inspires me
cwt I would like to pray for you as we are about to wrap this up.
cwt An hour always flies by so quickly!
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surefaith thanks.
surefaith There is a church that want to involve me.......pray for wisdom
cwt "Lord thanks so much for this great time tonight. I pray for surefaith that you would minister to her - give her boldness and to step out and make some new friendsl. Lord we love you and praise you. In Jesus Name. Amen
cwt Thanks so much - surefaith - please come back again soon - we could be a "community of friends" for you.
cwt God bless!
surefaith God bless you too. thanks
surefaith Thanks everyone
