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Subject: Secrets to a Successful Marriage
Date: September 17, 2001
Related Article: Secrets to A Successful Marriage
With divorce and separation escalating around us, it seems having a healthy marriage is a unique gift. Marriages can be strengthened and tools we can implement to create a stronger sense of oneness.
It is possible to create that enthusiasm that once attracted you to your spouse. Please join us as we discuss some of these tools.
- What are some signs of a healthy marriage?
- Describe situations which create Isolation in marriage.
- What are some ways to turn the tide on a relationship gone sour?
- How can you ignite the flame of romance?
- What role does honor play in a marriage relationship?
- What are some positive ways to resolve conflict in marriage?
- What are some things you and your spouse can do together that bring togetherness?
Participants: cwt, Faith, Shey, Rainbow, violet, Joyful, missyralph, tjoyce55, cnstarzz, Sarai, helenann
cwt Dear Lord, thank you for every one that has joined us tonight and for all that could not. We know discussing growth in our marriage is very important. Guide our conversation. Amen
Faith- Hi Shey. We are just opening in prayer right now.
cwt- Hi Shey.
Faith-amen
Shey- great. Just got the kids to bed
cwt -How is everyone feeling bout talking about our topic?
Shey- I'm excited about it
cwt- Would you rather have a prayer time for the US?
Faith- It doesn't matter to me. What ever everyone else is comfortable with doing is fine.
Shey- oh that would be fine too
Rainbow -What ever everyone wants.
cwt -I want to be sensitive to our US friends here...so I'll go ahead with the topic unless someone specifically requests prayer for a need related to the US. How is that with everyone?
Shey- can I share something
Shey -sounds great
Faith -Sounds good
cwt -What are some of the signs of a healthy marriage?
cwt -yes Shey. go for it
Faith -Sure Shey, go ahead.
Shey- the other day I had the oppertunity to talk to a lady in Virginia and she lives a hour from the Pentagon. We had a twenty minute visit and I was able to share that I had been praying for the people of the US. She was very thankful
cwt -That is so neat! I think prayer is one of the mighty things we can do in these days
Faith -Awesome Shey!
Shey- she sounded like she was Christian too
Faith- People do always like to hear that others are praying for them.
cwt- We can be so thankful for a president that includes prayer in this
Shey- for sure
cwt- He may be eventually ridiculed on that front in days ahead...
violet- I think he's willing to take that chance.
cwt -This chat room can be a great place to meet people. Try to pop in anytime you can to encourage ladies that come in
cwt- Ok. Let's pull back to the topic for now...
cwt- What are some of the signs of a healthy marriage?
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Faith- I think commitment and friendship with one another.
Shey- I think communication is a big thing
cwt -that is a good one faith
cwt- respect is also present -- a real acceptance and warmth
Rainbow- Comunnication
cwt -What stands out in the realm of communication in a healthy marriage?
Faith -Good points.
Shey- a willingness to accept your partner the way God made them.
Faith- I think truly listening to each others opinion.
joyful -That's so true Shey...we women are always trying to fix everyone, including our husbands!
cwt- without judgement on previous mistakes
Faith- How true
Shey- that's a problem I have
Faith -Judgment is a good one. Nobody likes past things thrown up at every argument.
cwt -This can be a difficult thing when we struggle with problems with our partners. It can't be that sucessful marriage haven't had struggles...
cwt- Whats the difference?
joyful- I think how you deal with the struggles.
Rainbow -I think caring enough to confront when something isn't right.
joyful- When you are committed to working through the problems, you grow stronger
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cwt- Can you enlarge that joyful
Faith- Sometimes it is more the little things that niggle at people. Very often bigger problems can bring people closer together.
cw-t all good points
joyful- My husband and i are very, very different...so we have had to work hard at communicating
cwt -problems in a marriage can tear down or build up. I think acceptance and communication can result in building up instead of tearing down
cwt- what kinds of things have you learned about communication with your mate Joyful?
Faith- I agree
joyful -The importance of talking thru things, instead of assuming that the other person is thinking something
cwt -For us, one thing that helped was looking at how our families communicated. There were vast differences between the two.
joyful -And talking at the right time....not at the end of the day when he is falling asleep
cwt -So true. We jump to conclusions so quickly -- especially after we've been married a few years...
Faith- Good point. Timing can be everything!
cwt -we think we know each other so well, that we know what the other is thinking by the expression on their face...
Faith -That is the truth. I have done that many times and then looked very foolish when my husband explained what really happened.
Faith- Luckily, he is a pretty easy going guy!
cwt -successful marriages must safeguard their communication somehow? Any ideas?
Faith- Look at our own attitudes. Maybe we are doing something to turn things sour.
joyful- Making time to talk is important...with busy schedules and kids, sometimes you can go days without a meanigful conversation
cwt- Gary Smalley talks about "Drive through talking"
Shey- setting aside time everyday to talk about life and how it's going
joyful- How does that work cwt?
cwt -So true Shey & Joyful
cwt- It is the concept of you place an order at a drive through window, and the person taking the order repeats it back to you.
Faith -That is neat.
joyful- That's a great idea!
cwt- If you do that in a marriage it is communication that says "so you are saying that....(blank). Just clarify that you heard correctly
joyful- that would be very helpful at times!
cwt- It has helped us many times....
Shey- i like that
Faith- Yes, that is good.
cw-t Can you describe some ways that create isolation in marriages?
Faith- Living parallel lives or sometimes if a spouse travels a lot.
cwt- lack of time for each other is probably a biggie here too...
Shey- trying to do everything without help from your partner
joyful -Stuffing our emotions, instead of talking them thru
joyful- not taking time to have fun together
cwt- unwillingness to work on difficulties...
Rainbow- Refusing to talk.
joyful -that's so true rainbow...
cwt- these are all "ouch" in a marriage
joyful- what' s wrong?...and we say 'nothing!'
cwt- It is both talking and listening that is involved here
Shey- and sometimes the talking is easier to do
Faith -So true
cwt -yes...but it is written all over our face that something IS wrong! LOL
joyful- That's right cwt...we make lousy liars!
..
cwt -Sometimes I think a marriage goes through stages....almost where we have to "reaccept" each other. What do you guys think?
joyful- I agree with you therecwt
Faith- I totally agree with that cwt.
joyful- as our children's ages and activities change, and as our responsibilities at work change, even as we physically change....
cwt- But that can be a diffcult process. How do you stop a marriage from a downward spiral once communication and acceptance have become difficult?
missyralph- ok let me throw you for a loop
joyfu-l I think just taking time to commit to working things thru
Faith- What did you mean missyralph?
joyful- I won't let this happen...so let's talk!
Shey- I think if need be we should seek counciling
joyful- or saying something like, I am not giving up on this marriage, I am committed to you, so let's roll up our sleeves and work this out.
cwt -that's right I think. Determination to work it through. But sometimes the heart is so hurt, that repair can be next to impossible
Faith -Good point Shey. A lot of times people wait too long to ask for help.
cwt- Missy ralph, what is the loop you want to throw?
Shey- I know of some friends and this was the case they waited too long
joyful- I think tho cwt, that God is bigger than even the worst hurt...but we still have to be willing to allow Him to work in the situation
Faith- Absolutely
joyful- sometimes we give up without allowing God the time to heal the hurts
cwt -Yes, and even in our own hearts. But sometimes the partner may not be willing to change. Especially if you are talking in the realms of sin becoming involved...
joyfu-l So true
Faith- Are you new here?
tjoyce55 -yes very new
cwt- Glad to have you aboard.
tjoyce55 -tks
Faith- So how can we turn the tide on a relationship that has gone sour?
joyfu-l It comes back to commitment right?
Faith- Very true. Commitment is the key.
joyful- Taking time to get away, to talk, and just get to know each other again
Shey- yes for sure
tjoyce55 -trust in God to help in every situation
joyful -sometimes it means saying no to other things in order to do stuff you both enjoy
Faith -Date nights or even doing kindnesses that were unexpected.
joyful -Date nights are great!
cwt- Date nights are very important on the communication front!
Shey -they are also very fun
Faith- Especially meaningful if the husband does all the planning and gets the sitter when the kids are little.
cwt- Even when you are old and grey! It is good to laugh together. Keeps things fresh.
joyful- Something that I have found helps when going thru tough stuff, is looking for things to be thankful for
joyful- You know, instead of brewing, asking God to show you things to be thankful for...every day!
Faith -Yes, I love going through the photo albums with my husband. But it does make us feel so old now.
joyfu-l It totally changes your attitude!
Shey- yes joyful that always makes me feel better
cwt- It is true. Attitude !
joyful- Wait until your kids are getting married Faith....you have a way to go yet!
Faith- LOl
cwt- It is sometimes hard to keep the attitude positive -- especially when you are going through rather typical struggles...
joyful -Watching my son and fiance has been refreshing...they just love being together!
cwt- What role does honor play in a marriage?
joyful- It is soooo important!
violet- It's vital!
Faith -We are to honor Christ and each other.
joyful -That's right Faith!
cwt -how does honor relate to communication?
joyful- When I honor someone, I am willing to listen...not always do the talking
Faith- I think the husband does need to be the leader and we as the wife should honor the husband as leader.
joyful- good point faith!
Faith- But the husband is to love and serve us. Authority does not mean superiority.
cwt- oh...oh....you mean submission?...? That isn't a good word for many folks...
Faith- So true. It seems to be a dirty word in this day and age.
Faith- But if my husband loves me the way he should then I don't have trouble letting him be the leader.
cwt- right. I think womens lib. redefined submission to mean mindless women...and that isn't what is meant in the Bible when we are called to be "helpmeets"
joyful -And yet as Believers, we all have to submit
cwt- good point joyful.
joyful- so true cwt...totally different meanings!
cwt- That is a key to a marriage. Both in submission to Christ and the work of the Holy Spirit.
Faith- Good point joyful.
cwt- In communication that is very true too. We have to admit where/when we are wrong or need to repent of a wrong attitude
joyfu-l I would never have been able to submit to my husband without the Holy Spirit at work in my life, because when I do things in my own strength, I am just so willful!
joyful- Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the reputation they say! LOL!
cwt -HA!
cwt -What are some positive ways to resolve conflict in marriage?
joyful- I think asking God to show me what my part in the problem is first
joyful- Coming before Him and asking Him to reveal to me where I have sinned, had the wrong attitude, whatever
cwt- Sometimes calling a "time out" can be good
Faith- So the way we would do this is to confess all of our sins to God (exhale) then (inhale) the power of the Holy Spirit. Put God back in control of our lives.
rain- Had problems getting back on.
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joyful -Did you get bumped out before?
cwt- I had some problems last week...
rain -yes
cw-t Are you Rainbow?
Faith- Well it does happen.
rain- yes, said my name was too long
cwt- Well, I'm glad you are back....
joyful- Oh my...computers can be so dumb!!! LOL
rain -That never happened before.
cwt- Maybe you should be BOW instead of rain...LOL
Faith- LOL
cwt -I liked Rainbow...
rain- That's what i thought.
cwt- ok. We were talkign about creative ways to resolve conflict...
violet- always reminds me of the grace of God!
joyful -Me too....rainbow, the sign of God's promise!
joyful- Keep trying rainbow...there are lots of longer names than that....just having an attitude tonight I guess.
Faith- I think we have to be very honest and real with our partners. Sometimes when we bring up a negative issue we could immediately follow with a positive comment.
joyful- good point faith
cwt- There is someting called the praise sandwish faith. Positive, negative, positive comment.
joyful -that's good!
Faith -That is good.
cwt- I think word pictures can help too...especially on the difficult subjects/difficulties.
Faith- Timing is also important.Faith And choosing our words carefully and keeping anger under control.
cnstarzz- praise sandwhich..good concept
Faith -What do you mean by word pictures cwt?
cwt- I watched a movie last week where the couple used the concept of time out. Terrible movie, but the concept was good...
Faith -Neat
cwt -Word pictures are described in Gary Smalley's book "language of Love". Example: we used juggling in our home (our son) juggules, to show my husband that I had too much on my plate...
Faith- That is really good.
cwt -and he needed to catch a ball when I threw it at him...
Faith- LOL
.
cnstarzz- my problem is that i get hurt very easily which I am praying to overcome. I think maybe I am too sensitive and when My husband and I talk and He gives critzism I get to emotional. Then its like "discussion over" I
cwt -When I drew the word picture he knew what I meant
joyful- I like that
joyful- That's hard isn't it cnstarzz?
cwt- Yes. That is difficult
joyful- that's why sometimes I need to wait before talking about stuff...at night when I am tired I just want to cry!!
cwt- We can be "over defenssive" or sensitive too...
joyful- And that doesn't make for a good discussion
cnstarzz -yes! I need to learn to think things over and not "act" immediatly
cwt- I'm guilty of that one. If my husband comes after me for something, BANG all my guards are up..
cwt- What ways can the Holy Spirit help us in some of these areas?
cnstarzz- yes! cwt I agree
Faith- It is good when the "discussion" is over if we can say I forgive you or I am sorry or I was wrong.
cwt -He can help us take a deep breath, count to 10 before we reply. The Holy spirit can be very practical help. He isn't just pie in the sky by and by...
cnstarzz- by acting slowly and with "grace" and decide is this worth the tears and anger?
cwt -good point cn.
Faith -So true. The Holy Spirit will convict us of our sins and wrong attitudes.
cwt- There is always such a price to pay when we lose our tempers. We can't take back what has been said...
joyful- It helps when we ask the Spirit to show us what the real issue is...that isn't always the presenting problem!
violet- so true
cwt- Sometimes we may be amazed at how many of the issues really have root in our own hearts and not our husband's!!
joyful- I think you are right there!
joyful we come with our own perceptions and vain imaginations!
Faith- Very true. The Holy Spirit has pointed out some of my wrong attitudes and things I was doing to turn things sour.
cwt- and we get hurt so easily sometimes.
cnstarzz -yes faith!! I have a VERY strong inner conviction and if I do something contrary to what the spirit wants I feel horrible. Then I stop, repent, and I feel better
cwt yes. Ultimately that is breathing the spirit.
joyful that's right.....I need to allow Him to control my life...
cwt Breathing out the sin, breathing in the choice to do what is right through the power of the Spirit.
cwt Hi Helenann. We are just finishing a chat on marriage. welcome. Jump in.
joyful we need to give up what we think is our right to feel hurt
cnstarzz- sometimes its just so hard to focus attention on our husbands when we have jobs, kids a house to clean...I think the guys miss us
joyful- instead, ask the Holy Spirit to give us God's heart on the matter and on our marriage
Faith -True. That attitude can turn to self-pity.
cwt -here is the last question for you....What are some things that we can do with our spouse that can bring "togetherness"
cwt -yes. That is true cn.
Sarai- I've had to learn to communicate with my husband, there were times when I expected him to kinda read my mind.
joyful -Take time alone together
joyful -good point sarai!
Sarai- Then I learned that talking things out and listening to each other without interrupting helps alot.
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joyful- that's so true!
cnstarzz- "date" night if possible, get dressed up go out to dinner or just have a quiet dinner alone and listen "really " listen to each other.
cwt -There are some really neat books out there that tell you how to be creative with Date nights
Shey- I think really be together and not just in the same house is important
cwt -Even cheap ones.
Sarai- amen to the "date" spend quality time together.
joyful- Turn off the tv, or the computer ;-), and just talk over a cup of coffee or tea
cwt- Like pack a picnic lunch, fancy glasses, table cloth, and go find a quiet park...
Faith -Those are good ideas.
cnstarzz- yes you don't need to spend money a walk in a park on a crisp fall day...
joyful -Great ideas....think we should all implement at least one this week!
cwt- Go shopping in a Mall with $5 and choose a crazy but special gift that reminds you of your mate and give it...
Faith- Yikes, if our kids saw us packing a picnic basket they would all jump in the car and want to come along!
cwt- LOL!
joyful- lol!
cwt -Got to swap kids with someone!
Shey- mine too Faith
Faith- Wow, I love some of these ideas. I am going to have to try some of them.
cwt- here too...
joyful- Write a letter and mail it to his work address!
cwt- We go bowling ....
cwt- pack a love note in his lunch...
cnstarzz- sounds great cwt
joyfu- My husband packs notes in my bag when I travel....role reversal here some times!
cwt- Let's close in prayer. You are all welcome to stay and chat...
cnstarzz- years ago my husband put silly notes in my lunch! It was cute
Sarai- tell him how much u love him and miss him
cwt- Lord thankyou for this session. It has been so good to laugh together and sometimes cry together. Bless each lady here. Help us all cling to you in our marriage. Thank you for being able and willing to help us in all areas of our lives. Amen.
Faith- Amen
Sarai- Amen
joyfu-l yes Lord, thanks for these ladies and the great reminders of what we need to do in our marriages. Help us to put them into practise this week.
joyful- amen
cwt- amen!
cnstarzz- amen!!
Faith- I am encouraged. This session has been great. Thanks cwt!
cwt -Thanks for all your help. Great chat ladies!
