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Subject: Men & Women: Capitalizing On Our Differences
Date: May 23, 2001
RELATED ARTICLE: There is Hope for Your Marriage: Using the Differences as Opportunities to Grow
The differences between men and women are real and can be so frustrating. Is it possible that these differences can work to our advantage and that men and women can compliment and not conflict? Is it possible to enhance and deepen our relationships by simply understanding why we react so differently? We may not be able to control the differences, but we are responsible for our reaction to them. Please join us as we share tools as to how we can capitalize on these differences.
1. Apart from the obvious differences between men and women, what are some underlying emotional differences?
2. How do these differences affect our daily relationships?
3. How has the woman's liberation movement impacted these differences?
4. For what purposes did God create us differently?
5. How are men and women similar? How do the differences compliment each other?
6. How do these differences complicate our relationships?
7. What does the Bible say about resolving differences?
cwt
How are you all doing today?
Bernice
still kicking..
blessing
doing well
blessing
sick hey Bernice?
cwt
I am looking forward to today's topic
Bernice
yeah. typing with my keyboard on my lap...
blessing
that is too bad
............................ Laurie joined.............
cwt
Hi Laurie
blessing
hi Laurie
Bernice
my typing will be wonkie
Laurie
Hi everyone
Bernice
hi laurie
cwt
Hi Micha
Micha
Hi there!
Bernice
micha is new...
Bernice
that's great eh?
blessing
hi micha
cwt
Is this your first time here?
blessing
thanks for joining us
Laurie
It is so nice to have you here micha!
Micha
yes, it's my first time here
cwt
How did you find this site?
Micha
I did a search for "Christian Chat Rooms" on AOL
cwt
These sessions are topic and hostessed ... we have a discussion question and then we all participate together.
Bernice
I'm from albetta...you?
cwt
Today's session is called Men & Women: Capitalizing on our Differences
Bernice
we are different alight...
cwt
I'm going to open in prayer
cwt
"Lord thank you so much for this day ... I ask that you would guide our steps and that you would lead our
conversation as we discuss how to make the most of these differences ."
Bernice
amen
blessing
amen
cwt
Apart from the obvious differences between men and women, what are some underlying emotional differences?
Laurie
I think men in general are not as open with their feelings as women.
Bernice
men are more detached
cwt
That is true Laurie
Laurie
Far more un-communicative.
cwt
Men are solution oriented
blessing
well, we are far more subjective and men seem to be more objective
Bernice
depends on you man thou.
Bernice
tho.
blessing
yes cwt, men are always on a mission to get the answer
cwt
Women enjoy the process of feeling through things ... men tend to want to avoid that.
cwt
Women can be very cyclical .... and that can affect our emotions drastically
blessing
yes, also women are multitaskers and think that way too, but men seem to be weaker in that area
Bernice
men can never find anything....
Laurie
That is true
blessing
yesBernice!!!
cwt
I love that characteristic ..... I would like to be able to multi-task even more
Bernice
LOL!
cwt
you sure see that in even young boys ... it's almost funny - it is so predictable (them not finding things)
Bernice
I know. Just ask my son...
cwt
Before we go much further ... are you all married with kids?
cwt
I am
blessing
yes I saw a great cartoon once of a man and a woman watching t.v. the man was sitting there watching and the
woman was readin, folding laundry and tending to the kids!!
Laurie
yes
Bernice
It gets frustrating tho.
Micha
Single
blessing
yes married with kids
cwt
I bet that man didn't even see them
Bernice
married with kids
cwt
Are you in a relationship?
cwt
Working with men can also bring about these dynamics
Bernice
that is true cwt
blessing
for sure,
cwt
Sometimes that is more frustrating because you may have less influence on them.
blessing
true
Laurie
Women seem to want everything done last week and men two weeks from now.
cwt
You take them for what they are - especially if they are in authority over you.
cwt
How do these differences affect our daily relationships?
cwt
I know I've had a work situation where the male was so different than I ... I learned to work around it.
Bernice
frustration is one thing. I think we create expectations that can be frustratin to both
cwt
It is important to communicate our expectations when we can.
blessing
the expectations can be different, and the process to meet the goal may also be different, so we need to learn to
honor our differences
Laurie
I think men don't always recognize that what they did upset their wife. When it is mentioned they seem clueless
that we were upset about whatever it was.
Bernice
well just take finding things. I think we have to see that men just can't....and be willing to gopher things
ourselves...
cwt
That is true ..... while we as women take things rather seriously, men often don't.
Micha
I think they just see things differently...
cwt
If I would like something taken care of by a man in a period of time - I ask if they are able to do it in that time
period.
Bernice
or at least they take different things seriously
cwt
You are right Micha
blessing
are you in a working relationship with men Micha?
Micha
I work with both men and women in the office
blessing
I see
cwt
Some men are so delightful to work with .... and others can be difficult.
Micha
Thats true, cwt
cwt
Men don't get emotionally involved in things .... and things may be more simple.
cwt
But when the men are chauvinistic ... that creates an entirely new dynamic.
blessing
yes, but with women as well, God ,made us all different, and we must respect all people but we don't have to
be best friends with everyone
cwt
Culture, upbringing and attitude can play a huge role in these differences.
blessing
that is so very true cwt
cwt
That is so true blessing.
cwt
What are some ways that culture, upbringing and attitude can affect these differences?
Laurie
That is true. If men were raised to think women would do everything for them they expect it of their wife when
they marry.
Bernice
what you see in your own home affects your attitude towards others
Micha
I have to go for now, see ya later everyone and thankyou!
cwt
I know I work on asking my own children how they see the roles of women. It is interesting
cwt
Thanks for coming
cwt
Do you want to get the regular newsletter about these sessions.
............................ Micha left.............
blessing
our upbringing can mold us certain ways, for example a wife/husband role can be formed by seeing what
happens in our own homes as we grow up
Laurie
I have a cousin who was married to a man from a totally different culture. Unfortunately, the marriage broke up
because the expectations were just too different.
Bernice
true blessing
blessing
then we go and marry someone and expect them to do everything that our own dad did at home, say a fix it
man..
Bernice
yep a real healthy thing todiscuss the differences in your homes when you get married...
Laurie
That is the truth.
blessing
culture differences can be huge, because they can also involve the extended family
cwt
It is so important to express these expectations ...
Bernice
is itr right to have expectations?
blessing
yes communication is a must on cultural differences before marriage if you intermarry
Laurie
Actually I tend to do things very much the same way as my mother-in-law did.
cwt
Expectations are a part of life ... whether we realize it or not ... we expect things of nearly everyone in our lives.
Bernice
true
cwt
Only we can evaluate whether those are realistic or not.
blessing
yes I think we should have expectations...especially if we marry a Christian man we should expect Christian
behaviour
cwt
Sometimes they get out of hand before we ever realized it.
Bernice
but when we are dealing with fundamental differences sometimes expecations are not fair
blessing
what do you mean by fundamental differences Bernice?
cwt
I expect faithfulness, caring, my husband to be a good dad, father, etc.
Bernice
example: men finding things, men more non-communicative - men more objective....
Bernice
we have to give and taek a little....
cwt
Totally
Bernice
if we refuse to accept the differencers are we not asking or trouble...
blessing
no, we can't expect men to be as perceptive, or as communicative as women
cwt
However, if my tendancy as a woman is to be emotional ... that doesn't give me the right to abuse that
difference.
blessing
for sure
Laurie
True
Bernice
that is true..anmd vise versa
blessing
we need to value their differences, and appreciate how they add a different perspective in a relationship
Bernice
many marriage seem to suffer from lack of acceptance on thse things...
cwt
However, it may be necessary to re-emphasize the differences .... and clarify how we can deal with them.
Laurie
That is true. Sometimes we want to change people and we really can't do that.
blessing
that is sad, many women constantly complain about their husbands too, hard to be around someone like that
cwt
It's a great thing to talk about as a couple ... where you are different and how to overcome.
blessing
we need to be our husband's cheerleader!
Laurie
It is amazing how many spouses talk badly about one another. It is very sad.
cwt
Absolutely
cwt
We can enable that behaviour in others if we are not careful.
Bernice
some times it can be a stage in marriage too...
blessing
yes, open communication between differences is the key
Bernice
or in a work relationship until acceptqnce kicks in
cwt
Sometimes as women it can "feel good' to be trusted enough for someone to give us the inner scoop. We really
need to be careful with that.
cwt
For what purposes did God create us differently?
Laurie
My husband and I are very different. I am a Christian and he is not. But I still accept him as he is. He has so
many wonderful qualities that he sometimes puts me and other Christians to shame.
Bernice
iron sharpening iron creates sparks!! LOL!
cwt
Two halves make a whole ... a perfect fit. We can balance each other out.
cwt
We need to accentuate and compliment the positive differences
cwt
Take our focus off the negative ones.
blessing
He created us to be a helpmeet, so we were created to meet each other's needs through the differences
Laurie
God created women to submit to their husband's lead and he needs to submit to his wife's need.
cwt
Even looking way back to Adam and Eve ... it is interesting how the differences were such a part of how God
created them.
Laurie
Not meaning that the wife is a doormat or anything like that.
blessing
true Laurie, total love, submission, and commitment to each other and to God
cwt
My husband often says "I'm the head of the home, my wife is the neck and she turns me anyway she likes" ha ha
Bernice
i think it aboutwhat theBible callse becomingone flesh
Laurie
My husband has said the same thing in so many words.
cwt
But realistically, we are a team..... and I don't compromise my strength as a woman, I just channel it in different
ways.
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Bernice
really becoming partners
blessing
hi there
cwt
Hi there
cwt
Welcome
Bernice
hi
Laurie
hi Rhymes2Me!
cwt
We are just discussing the differences between men & women.
Rhymes2Me
Hi Laurie
cwt
Is this your first time here?
Rhymes2Me
LAFFIN.....yes......wow i HAD to come and chat on this topic..laffin
blessing
are you married?
Rhymes2Me
yes........happily.....
blessing
great,
Bernice
good
cwt
How are men & women similar? How do the differences compliment each other?
Bernice
what caught yourinterest in the thopoc?
Rhymes2Me
so what have we come up with so far???
Bernice
rats...the topic
Rhymes2Me
and i'll add......
cwt
Men & women can have similar values and beliefs. This can gel them together towards the same goal.
Laurie
Very true!
Rhymes2Me
i was popped in here........usually that doesn't happen BY MISTAKE..laffin
cwt
When you are both focusing on the same thing .... you can permit your best traits to rise to the occassion ... and
become a team.
Bernice
Wometimes you have to choose to do that also...be a team
Bernice
brother. I'm off beat today...
Rhymes2Me
i feel that a relationship must compliment each other
blessing
yes, I like the team idea where we both use our differences to get to a goal
cwt
I think the conscientious choice needs to a part of it more often than not.
Laurie
That is okay we all have typos.
cwt
What are some practical ways to do that?
Rhymes2Me
and using each others strengths and weaknesses
cwt
To use our differences for teamwork?
cwt
Men can't find things ... so women look ? (=
cwt
But on a practical level ...
Bernice
one way is to be aware of each others strength and weaknesses. Use each other....to help in decisons and so
forth...
Rhymes2Me
well......HE does better at LAFFIN HARD supervising and i DO better.......if he stays out of the way.....
Laurie
That is true. There are just some areas I am not competent in and my husband takes over and vice-versa.
Rhymes2Me
yes.and that is the way it works......
cwt
Women can bring the soft aspect into situations ... put in the feeling while the husband co-ordinates the
task/driven aspect.
blessing
sometimes men don't have the communication skills ( don't use the 40 000 words per day), so women can do
the talking to the kids on some issues
Rhymes2Me
TRUE.........
cwt
Isn't that the truth?
Bernice
it is so true it anin't funny! LOL!
blessing
but when a direct conversation needs to happen, sometimes the men are better at that
cwt
We can often be a buffer .... in many situations - work/home/community
Laurie
Sometimes men don't realize if they have hurt their children's feelings and then as a wife we can point that out.
blessing
we can help the men see the emotional perspective on things
cwt
They can say the hard stuff the way it needs to be said.
blessing
yes
cwt
As women we can feel an incredible need to explain
blessing
and not worry about what everyone else thinks!
Rhymes2Me
i see that my kids LISTEN to him better me BEING a softy.......that doesn't mean i'm a PUSH OVER though
cwt
There is a big difference between being a push-over ... and being a teamplayer
cwt
It is often confused in our culture.
cwt
Letting men take the lead can be seen as a weakness.
Rhymes2Me
true....and i have to step back sometimes and LET him be dad
Rhymes2Me
how so......
Rhymes2Me
in culture
Rhymes2Me
gotcha
Laurie
I think men are confused as well with this liberation movement. They don't always know what their role is.
cwt
That the woman is weak in allowing the man to take the lead ... but that is not true.
cwt
It sometimes takes more strength to step back.
Rhymes2Me
hey I LIKE have the door opened for me..laffin
Laurie
It isn't true but people seem to see it that way.
blessing
no, but it is Biblical for the man to take the lead
cwt
That is right blessing ...
cwt
How can we give men the leadership and still be strong?
Rhymes2Me
that's true the MAn has the final say....but he IS to listen.....due benevolience
Rhymes2Me
SP
Rhymes2Me
yes.....we have MORE problems STEPPING out of our roles...
Rhymes2Me
and into theirs and vice versa
blessing
we need to help them realize their strengths and show them we value that part, ask them to take the lead in that
area while at the same time where we are strong they need to honor our strengths and allow us to contribute
Bernice
modtly it is an attitude thing
cwt
My husband and I work as a team .... we come to decisions together ... but when push comes to shove and he
really feels something needs to be done that I may not agree with .... I choose to trust him.
Rhymes2Me
TRUE........myself
blessing
good way to cooperate
cwt
It takes a firm act to release it at that point.
Laurie
That is good.
Rhymes2Me
yes........
cwt
Then ... when they realize you were right in the first place ... it is critical to not rub it in their faces.
blessing
it sure does, but ultimately the men are the head of the home and responsible before Gpd
blessing
sorry ...God
Bernice
verse in proverbs always challenges me...a foolish woman tears down her house with her own hands. I think
that has to do with submission...
Rhymes2Me
there r Blessing in subjecting
cwt
that is true
cwt
I think the woman is the "heart of the home" and she really determines the temperature.
Rhymes2Me
true.....submission was a stumbling block to me at one time....i thought that i was "loosing myself" and my
independace
Bernice
some men give soft leadership.. That is harder to follow
cwt
totally
Rhymes2Me
there is REALLy a liberity there
Rhymes2Me
BER.....true
Rhymes2Me
everything has it's balance
cwt
How do these differences complicate our relationships?
blessing
they can clash, and cause bigtime conflict
cwt
We can choose to not accept them.
Bernice
sometimes over time they mqake you conflict rather than mesh
Rhymes2Me
oh man......KNOWING sometimes that he's making the WRONG decision...adn he's "put his foot down" has
only happened once....
Rhymes2Me
he started really LISTENING to me......
blessing
sometimes we have to allow them to fail. we all fail in life
Bernice
when they are not decision makers it is very difficult to wait...
blessing
at some time'
cwt
We fail too ... and we appreciate when we are given a buffer on those mistakes.
Rhymes2Me
yep.....we ahve to PICK them up and dust them off at times.....
blessing
yes, that would be difficult, Bernice, to have a husband who was afraid to lead
Bernice
not afraide as much as indecisicisve
Rhymes2Me
CW....yes...exactly.....
Laurie
It is difficult to wait for some things but if we just accept it things are a lot easier. Emphasize the positive.
cwt
I find it is helpful to clarify when we may be feeling more emotional ...
Bernice
opps
blessing
indecisive probably because they lack confidence in their decisionmaking
Bernice
You have to learn to wait on God and trust God to lead them...
cwt
Giving the heads up on the differences can change how we are seen.
blessing
an pray for them
Bernice
yep. You have to build up...
Laurie
PMS. I never have any in depth discussions at that time.
Bernice
encourage lot - even tho. you makde the decision ages ago...or you know what decision to make. You have to
give time.
blessing
we need to show appreciation towards our husbands and compliment them in their strengths
Rhymes2Me
amen and ourselves too so we don't take opertunaty to squash them
cwt
If there is a difference that you find particularly difficult, I would encourage you to pray about that - you might
be amazed at how your perspective changes.
Rhymes2Me
true........
Bernice
yes
Laurie
I do pray about the difference.
cwt
You are right about PMS Laurie ... if that affects us .... we really need to know our limitations.
Bernice
for sure
blessing
and we need to explain our cycle challenges to our husbands if it is a problem
cwt
To pray that we would accept their differences .... changes us first and possibly them.
Rhymes2Me
and be able to CONVEY them without ......inalilation...laffin
blessing
true
cwt
What does the Bible say about resolving differences?
Rhymes2Me
just being able to say i'm off kilter today.......sometimes is enough
Bernice
you said noe pray..
Laurie
I can't make my husband a Christian. The Holy Spirit will work in his life. It is enough pressure for a
non-Christian to live with a Christian so I really don't push at him.
cwt
I love your attitude Laurie.
Rhymes2Me
we r to work them out and let not the sun go down on our WRAIT...laffin
cwt
It really takes the pressure off when we give these differences to God.
blessing
that is so great Laurie, the best thing you can do is pray for him and live your life loving the Lord
Bernice
good for you Laurie
Rhymes2Me
Amen Laurie.....everything is in His time
cwt
We continue to pray for your husband Laurie.
Laurie
Thank you.
cwt
This is something that God is so capable of doing ... helping your husband come to Him.
blessing
as far as differences, the Bible talks about open communication between the two parties in Matthew
Bernice
your sweet spirit will help..!
Rhymes2Me
It's god will that he comes to the fullness of the knowledge of Christ..
Laurie
Yes, through God anything is possible.
blessing
and if that doesn't help, then seek wise council and go a to Christian counsellor
cwt
Be anxious about nothing, but by prayer and thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
cwt
We can get so worked up about things.
blessing
always keep praying
Bernice
sometimes find a mentor helps too
Laurie
Isn't that the truth!
Rhymes2Me
just having an understanding friend to listen at times is a big help......
blessing
good idea Bernice
cwt
That is right Bernice.
Laurie
It is wonderful having this chat group. I am very thankful for that.
Bernice
me too
cwt
"Lord I come to you right now and I ask that you would be with Laurie .. I pray for her husband that he would
come to know you as his Lord and Savior. We thank you that you are helping Laurie with accepting this
difference between them. In Jesus Name" Amen
Laurie
Thank you.
Rhymes2Me
In JESUS name......AMEN
cwt
Laurie .. we have appreciated you so much .. and thank the Lord for the incredible growth we have been able
to see in your life.
Bernice
amen
blessing
Lord we ask that you continue to work in Laurie's husbands life, help her to be the best wife for him and to
show your love as an example to him amen
Rhymes2Me
In Jesus name amen
Laurie
Sometimes I do feel like I am at a stand still, so I am glad everyone can see the growth. Sometimes it is not as
easy to see things in ourselves.
Bernice
and for us all - help us to be your woemn first - and to love our husbands with your love...
cwt
Many things can get in the way of our relationship with God .. and if the enemy can use differences between us
and the men in our lives - he will.
cwt
Even the desire to see a mate come to Christ is something the enemy can use to get us off track.
blessing
yes Lord help us to be women of gentle quiet spirits, and to love our husbands with your love
Rhymes2Me
TRUE..........he uses what is aviable
cwt
We need to be aware, but not afraid.
blessing
no because we have the victory, the battle is already won!
cwt
We can use the differences in our lives to be discerning, soft and enhancing to the situation we find ourselves in.
Laurie
Usually I am starting to recognize when the enemy is at work. Not like when I was having those book episodes
and didn't recognize what it was.
Rhymes2Me
we have to guard our hearts and minds with the helmut of salvation and use the shield of faith..to know that
Jesus will and does reward them that dilligently seek him
Rhymes2Me
and that we r in the PALM of HIS hand
blessing
the closer we become to God, the more we know Him and consequently know who the enemy is
cwt
That is so good ... that is obviously the growth and deepening of your relationship.
blessing
it is important to recognize who the enemy is, and to deal with him
blessing
and he is not our husbands!
Rhymes2Me
AMEN
cwt
Absolutely
blessing
although he may make it look that way sometimes
Laurie
I just hope the enemy doesn't start attacking my husband because he would know any wife would want their
husband to become a Christian.
Rhymes2Me
make up that hedge about him....
blessing
your prayers are stronger than any attacks, just claim your husband as God's future child
Rhymes2Me
yes
Laurie
I have noticed my husband changing a little and I don't want Satan to un-do any progress.
blessing
praise God for these changes!
Rhymes2Me
Can't doesn't have any power that WE don't give to him
Laurie
Yes, Praise the Lord!
Rhymes2Me
he even has to have GOD's permission.....as in Job
Bernice
note them in a journal -- then you can remember them...
blessing
and remember them when you have down times
Bernice
you'll sede the jounry God has brough you both throuh.
Rhymes2Me
and we can push back the gates of hell.........
blessing
cwt is having some technical difficulties
Rhymes2Me
ESPECIALLY in a life that is sanctified by our own belief in Christ
blessing
so we can wrap this up in prayer, this has been a great session
Bernice
PTL that ggod says he will build his church....we only need to rest. His spirit will draw your husband.
Laurie
That is true about the Book of Job. God did allow Satan to tempt him but God never gives us more than we can
handle.
Rhymes2Me
AMEN....HE is the author and finisher of OUR faith
blessing
Lord we thank you so much for this encouraging session on understanding the differences that you created us
with, help us to honor you with our lives, amen
Laurie
Amen
Bernice
amen
Rhymes2Me
Amen
blessing
thank you all for joining us, we are on again tomorrow night at 10 PM EST
Laurie
I am sorry I seemed to veer everyone off the topic. Thank you for your understanding.
Rhymes2Me
ty's for having me.......GOD BLESS e'body
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blessing
we will be discussing Dea.ling With Conflict
Bernice
I'it was ok Laurie. It is close to your heart. God knows.
Laurie
God Bless and thank you for the session.
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blessing
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