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by Theresa Gonzalez
Terri grew up in a small, rural community. Her first sexual experience left her pregnant.
The whispering and finger pointing came from the most unexpected places--including her church. So she just stopped going. Even her boyfriend bailed, disappearing without a word.
Feeling completely unprepared to parent, even at 18, she chose adoption and found a home for unwed mothers hours away from her family. She fully recognized her mistake but was told, “You got what you deserved.”
This is my story.
And I know that I am not alone.
For years, the stigma of being an “unwed mother” intimidated or shamed many women into hiding their secret. A birthmother had very few choices and, more often than not, was told what to do. Adoption professionals, including hospital staff and social workers, discouraged any contact between mother and child--treatment that would be considered unfair and even abusive by today’s standards.
But I'm a Christian
Fifteen years after my closed adoption, I became a Christian. Accepting Christ does not guarantee there will be no pain--past or present. I did not even start my journey through grief until after becoming a Christian. The original advice given to me just wasn’t enough, “What is done is done; get on with your life; forget about it; move on.” If I had only known what grief was, I could have found more productive ways of dealing with it. If God awakens your heart with any of these issues, trust Him to complete His amazing and wonderful work in you.
What is grief?
Grief is about loss; it is not a structured process but about God’s revelation in our lives. You may or may not recognize this process from your own experience.
- Shock…about getting pregnant and experiencing people’s reactions. I found out who my friends were and, unfortunately, they were numbered.
- Depression…came after the shock. I hardly ate, but slept and cried lots. I was my own best friend at the “home.”
- Denial…was achieved not only through busyness (college and career), but also through alcohol and drugs. They covered the pain, but unfortunately lead to other destructive habits that took years to overcome.
- Guilt and bargaining…was a continually unsuccessful process with God and self.
- Anger…did not surface for years, until I faced who I was angry at and why. I had to learn to forgive--not for their sake, but for mine. Forgiveness does not mean we forget. Forgiveness happens inside the person who does it. I found constructive ways to express my anger (I went for a brisk walk or wrote a letter, which was later destroyed!)
Forgiving others was easy compared to experiencing forgiveness myself. But when I finally saw myself for the first time as God sees me, it changed my world. I am not perfect; I make mistakes but I am a uniquely created child of God, loved unconditionally by Him.
- Acceptance…is simply recognizing the things that I can change and the things I cannot. But be prepared--the more that I delved into my story, the more I remembered. God, in all His wisdom, gave me only one thing at a time. For me, I no longer have a dark cloud following me because I have changed what I can…me.
Experience healing
These ideas originated from other women with a history of closed adoption, but I personalized them. They are things that I needed and wanted to do.
- Do things to find out who you really are. For me, this meant private time to journal my story, thoughts and emotions. It also has meant taking time to ponder the future. By setting goals, I planned ahead more and looked back less.
- Find healthy ways to acknowledge your child and the adoption. Certain events or anniversaries still trigger emotions in me, usually Mother’s Day and my son’s birthday. I light a candle and say a prayer on his birthday. I buy a birthday gift relevant to his age and place it in his “keepsake” box. Someday, all of it will be his. I shop for me--a special Mother’s Day gift. I did not have any other children, so it is important to signify my motherhood and what I did for someone else. Remember, these things I do for me and no one else. No one needs to know about your “rituals” unless you tell them.
- Reach out to others. If you concealed your pregnancy, find someone you trust to share your story with; talking it out brings comfort and healing. Do not be afraid to ask for help. “Professional counseling” is not a dirty word; it helped me.
Our Great Comforter
For years, many women who have placed a child in closed adoption have been silent--for whatever reason. Don’t let the past dictate your future. Through God’s grace and forgiveness, there is hope for healing and for wholeness. His love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance (1 Corinthians 13:7).
What about you?
Have you experienced God's love and forgiveness? Have you come to a place of trusting Jesus Christ as your leader and forgiver? Learn more at Journey of Joy.
Or, perhaps you've already given your life to Christ, and now you would like to take the next step in growing in your relationship with Him.
God has given you His Holy Spirit to help you live life according to His perfect plan. As you depend on Him, He will "strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being" (Ephesians 3:16-17).
Why not pray this simple prayer right now and by faith invite God to fill you with His Spirit:
Dear Father, I need You. I acknowledge that I have sinned against You by directing my own life. I thank You that You have forgiven my sins through Christ's death on the cross for me. I now invite Christ to again take His place on the throne of my life. Fill me with the Holy Spirit as You commanded me to be filled, and as You promised in Your Word that You would do if I asked in faith. I pray this in the name of Jesus. As an expression of my faith, I thank You for directing my life and for filling me with the Holy Spirit. Amen.
~Theresa Gonzalez's education and training are varied--an administrator, a senior architectural technologist and, most recently, a BA in Leadership and Ministry from Alberta Bible College. One of her lastest endeavors has been working at the Calgary Pregnancy Care Centre, counseling women facing an unexpected pregnancy and presenting abstinence workshops to high school students. She is an avid motorcyclist and active member of the Christian Motorcyclists Association. Her son is 23 this year. She has not had a reunion with him but continues to pray for God's direction and timing.
Note from Theresa: For years, I thought I was alone with my struggles. The most comforting feeling came when I met other women who'd experienced closed adoption. If you feel God prompting you, please e-mail me. Names are not necessary--anonymity will be respected.
