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by Carol Van Atta“Mom, can we please stay home from church tonight? I’m so tired.” My almost twelve-year-old son pleaded.
“Honey, we really need to go. But, goodness, I’m exhausted myself. We could go to the weekend service,” I reply, feeling slightly uncomfortable with my decision and how easily I was persuaded. Should I stand my ground? Sadly, sometimes it just seems easier to “go with the flow.” You know the phrase, "Don’t rock the boat”? Well, I was trying to keep the boat upright at all costs.
What do healthy boundaries look like?
Do you find yourself saying yes when you want to say no? If so, you are not alone. Today, it is very “psychologically correct” to talk about personal boundaries. But what do healthy boundaries look like? How do we keep them fortified without becoming totally unavailable to the people in our lives? Boundaries also involve another very important word—balance.
As a woman, with a family, a home, and a career (a lifestyle that includes writing, speaking, and attending every Little League baseball game that my son plays) it is difficult to determine when to say no, yes, maybe, or even, "Can I get back to you?" Setting boundaries is crucial to physical, emotional, and spiritual well being, not just for ourselves, but also for the well being of those around us. I know that when I respond with too many yeses when my gut is screaming no, those around me can expect a poorly targeted retort. Because when we don’t say what we need to say, or do what we need to do, our frustration simmers just beneath the surface, like lava in an active volcano. Sooner or later, that volcano is going to spew some pretty hot stuff. We must find a way to keep our inner volcano from erupting inappropriately onto those around us.
Certainly, there are some deep, life-long issues that may lead us to become boundary-lacking ladies. However, one key element for not creating and maintaining our own personal boundaries is fear — fear that those whom our boundaries affect would get angry or frustrated at our limit setting.
I have also found in my own life and in working with numerous women, we tend to worry about not appearing nice enough, kind enough, or loving enough. It is very difficult to grasp that often times the most loving thing we can do for someone is to say no. "No, I will not give you more money for alcohol or drugs." "No, I choose not to pay your rent this month." "No, I am not going to stand here while you yell and scream at me." The list could go on and on. "No" is not a bad word. We can say no, with love. If we don’t, we end up resentful and the other person can feel those pre-eruption tremors from a mile away.
Knowing your limits
In order to guide myself in living a balanced, and boundary-based life, I learned what my own limits were. If I did’t know what I liked, what my values were, or what I wouldn’t tolerate, it was going to be challenging to create fully functioning boundaries that others could respect. There is an old saying that goes like this: “If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything.” What do you stand for? What are you willing to compromise? For me, it is very helpful to have a guidebook of what is right and wrong. The Bible is the one source that I rely on for determining what I stand for.
Now the Bible talks an awful lot about loving and giving. In fact, God makes it very clear we are to love others. But, even Jesus, took time away from his work to rest and retreat. He often left the crowds behind to go and pray, or talk with those closest to Him, His disciples. What we can learn from this example is that we too need to have times where we are alone, or with loved ones. Time that is spent taking care of ourselves. Exercising, praying, reading, journaling, scrap booking, visiting, even napping; the list could go on and on. What do you need to do for yourself in order to retreat temporarily from the needs of others and refuel your own engine? When we take time for ourselves it is amazing how much more we have to give to others. We are able to say yes joyfully and purposefully.
Expect some challenges. If you have been a woman who says yes to everyone it will be surprising to those around you when you finally say the big NO and actually stick to it. If you have been the person at work who stayed late at the expense of your family and health, know when you begin to set boundaries you will probably see some surprised faces as others will have to step up and be responsible for themselves.
As we become women of balance and boundaries, we will have more energy, time and love to share with others. We don’t have to do this all alone either. For most of us, we will need to enlist the support of other caring women to help encourage us as we begin to balance our lives, and for some of us we may need to consider professional counseling as a tool toward change. Most importantly though, we have an incredible power source that is available to us day and night—a Savior Who died so we would never have to go through any of life’s challenges and hardships alone. Learn from the most loving Person of all, Jesus Christ. He will show you how to love, lead, live, and how to set loving boundaries. Why not reach out to others and up to Him now? A balanced life with healthy limits is just a prayer away. Here's a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of woman you want me to be.
Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.
If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you'll experience life to the fullest.
~ Carol Van Atta, founder of Princess Warriors for Christ: Reigning Real, is an author and speaker who wants to help women become all they can be in Christ, while "keeping it real." She believes every woman of God is a priceless princess and a worthy warrior. To learn more about her ministry visit: www.carolvanatta.com.
