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by Leanne CarukLove – the answer to loneliness. That's what I was looking for.
All I wanted was someone to love me, that I could love in return.
Born into a happy family, my early life was relatively simple and pain-free. My siblings and I did not lack for anything we needed, though we were never wealthy. As a teenager, I realized how good I had it compared to my friends, many of whom didn't come from loving home situations.
Then I entered university, and I discovered loneliness. I was looking for someone who would love me more than they loved anyone else; I figured the thing I needed was a husband.
Toward the end of my undergraduate years, I began dating a man who was the brother of one of my best friends during my teen years. We became reacquainted and married shortly thereafter. It was not a healthy relationship before or after the wedding. He was a violent, angry man who came from an abusive home. I ignored the warning bells going off in my head during our courtship and married him largely because I was afraid of him--and because I was so very lonely.
I thought I could change him; that things would be different once we were married. The marriage lasted four and a half years. The decision to divorce my husband was a very difficult one to make.
The emotional and psychological abuse I suffered from my husband left me very empty. There was almost nothing of me left. What was the point of living if I had to live with a man that was killing me from the inside out? Though lacking the courage, I thought often about taking my own life. I considered divorce the lesser evil to letting myself be subjected further to my husband's abuse.
So life got better after that, right? In many ways, yes, it did.
You see, as a child I had made a decision that had an impact on every situation in my life. My family and my home were happy and full of love because Jesus was there. As a child, I had asked Him to come into my life and change me. All I did was ask Him, something like this:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Saviour and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.
After my divorce, I grew closer to God in ways that I could not have had I not gone through that experience. My self-esteem grew again, and my creativity returned. Yet I still kept searching for someone to love me, someone who I could love in return.
I made many, many new friends (men and women) during and after this very rough time of my life, all of them wonderful Christian people. But still, very deep inside of me, I was lonely. I couldn't figure out why He wasn't answering my prayers for me (at least, that's how it seemed to me), but would abundantly answer my prayers for others. Finally, after meeting yet another great guy and being disappointed again, I came to a startling realization.
I have always known that Jesus loves me more than anyone else ever could. But I think it was more of an intellectual knowing than a whole mind/body/spirit knowing. During a Bible study one night, I listened to the story of a girl in our group. Despite being diagnosed with a brain tumour, she was so excited and so radiant with love for God. I was a bit jealous because I knew I didn't love Him like that . . . but I wanted to.
In the Bible, in Psalm 42:1, it says, "As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul longs for you, O God." I didn't long for God. I thought, "Why would I need to since I already have Him in my life?"
I thought I needed a human partner. But then, in a very quiet, patient voice, He said to me, "Your desire is not for me first of all. Delight yourself in me and I will give you the desires of your heart." I realized that the love I was seeking had been there all along.
Now I know with my whole being that God loves me more than anyone else ever could-- that He will never take His love away from me or disappoint me, that He will never die on me or go away. Jesus already died for me so that we could be reunited. He rose from the dead, He's alive and His love for me is greater than anything I can imagine! I didn't know I could love anyone so much!
Are you searching for your soul mate - for perfect love? Do you wonder if you will ever find fulfillment? You can find fulfilment and peace through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
God wants to be our leverage in living, empowering us to feel better about ourselves, more excited about our future, more grateful for those we love and more enthusiastic about our faith.
If you are a believer in Jesus Christ, God has given you His Holy Spirit to help you live life according to His perfect plan. Why not pray this simple prayer and by faith invite Him to fill you with His Spirit:
Dear Father, I need you. I acknowledge that I have sinned against you by directing my own life. I thank You that You have forgiven my sins through Christ's death on the cross for me. I now invite Christ to again take His place on the throne of my life. Fill me with the Holy Spirit as You commanded me to be filled, and as You promised in Your Word that You would do if I asked in faith. I pray this in the name of Jesus. As an expression of my faith, I thank You for directing my life and for filling me with the Holy Spirit. Amen.
Leanne Caruk is the Chemistry Lab Supervisor at Trinity Western University in Langley, British Columbia, Canada. She enjoys canoeing, wilderness backpacking, cycling, swimming, and needlework.
