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by by Stacy Wiebe
When doctors told Nancy Boltz at 19 that she wouldn’t be able to have children, she was nonplussed, “Oh, well, I didn’t want to have kids anyway,” she said, taking it in stride. “I used to role play with Barbies and I was always the career woman who had no children and sometimes was not even married.”
In real life, Nancy did marry. And though her husband Stan wanted a family, he accepted Nancy’s choice. In the ensuing years, she worked her way up to supervisor of accounting for an international company. Meanwhile, desiring her husband’s happiness, Nancy reluctantly agreed to pursue adoption. When the birthmother made a last-minute decision to keep her child, Nancy was shocked at her reaction. “I was really upset that we did not get this baby. I began to realize that perhaps I did want children.”
In 1996, Zachary became their chosen son. “I think what surprised me most about motherhood was how powerful my love was for my child—especially since I hadn’t given birth to him. I had been trying for years to find fulfillment in my job through job promotions and higher pay. When I held Zachary in my arms, I knew that motherhood was what I had been wanting all along but I just didn’t realize it. I had failed to realize that I had a motherly instinct.”
Months later, to the Boltz’s surprise, Nancy discovered she was pregnant. Though it was a high-risk pregnancy, today Zachary has a healthy four-year-old sister, Jessica.
“I was definitely not a nurturing person prior to motherhood,” reflects Nancy. “I really had very little mercy. Most of my friends now would not have liked me then … I have softened a lot since becoming a mother and my view on life is much different. I am much less selfish now. And I am happier."
A common journey
Nancy’s journey isn’t unique in the sense that many women around the world grapple with how to reconcile their independent, achieving selves, with a desire to give themselves with abandon to others. And not only as mothers—but also as lovers, friends, coworkers and community members.
In a poll conducted by Women Today Online, half of the respondents said they didn’t see themselves as “nurturing” in a way that comes naturally to them. Of these, 27.8% saw themselves as nurturing, “but not in a stereotypical way,” 16.7% said they’re not the nurturing type, yet say they still care about people and 5.6% hate the word nurturing altogether.
It seems that while the vast majority of women do value their softer side, they are also quick to distance themselves from a saccharine, doting stereotype. “Society has told us that the nurturing role is a passive one; that it’s less important. The word nurturing gets a bad wrap today,” says Chris Dorn, a certified counselor specializing in marriage and women’s issues.
But, says Chris, “Nurturing is part of our humanness, male and female. Women, in particular, are built biologically to have children and to protect and care for them. Not only that, but women tend to define themselves in terms of their relationships. We value interdependence.”
Still, in the 21st century, a woman’s “nurturing self” often bumps up against the realities of life.
Nurture? No way … or at least, not now
Forging your own identity, building a career, bettering your financial situation, finding the right partner—these are complex issues in the web of women’s lives.
And for some, like Louise Gillingham, an editor in the Netherlands, nurturing isn’t part of their life map. “Work—a career—always seemed to be a much more exciting and interesting possibility for me. I’m 41 now and was sterilized four years ago. I’ve probably done the world a favor by not having kids. I know I have caring instincts, but I wouldn’t call it nurturing,” she says. “I have two cats at home, and yes, I do treat them as substitute children, I suppose.”
With few exceptions, the global trend—from east to west—is later marriage, delayed motherhood and fewer children. And in some countries, pampered pets. In the U.K. the pet industry is booming—£3.54bn a year—as more couples opt to have pets instead of babies.
These trends have altered definitions of “family” and even spawned new words, such as DINKS—the acronym describing couples with “Dual Income, No Kids.” Meanwhile, in the U.S., the number of fertility clinics has increased nine-fold since 1986, as more women who delay conceiving find it difficult to do so in their later 30s and 40s.
Anti-nurturing trends are not only changing demographics, but also reflect a growing sense of disconnectedness felt in society in general. Fewer of us know our neighbors. With the pace at which we live, less time is left for spontaneous interaction. Technology may have created a global village, but the connections it has wrought are often superficial.
Fulfillment of a different sort
Many women today, however, do acknowledge within themselves a craving for genuine community and are making life choices to foster it.
Adele Wu, a 28-year-old project manager from Shanghai, China, is grateful that her workplace encourages a nurturing environment. “We’re encouraged to participate in both formal and informal mentoring of relationships, for career and for personal development.”
Adele, who is single, says she is just now coming to a place in her life where she isn’t only receiving nurture from others, but giving it as well. “A lot of girls at work come to me now for advice,” she says. “I see nurturing as being able to provide guidance to others—giving and receiving that brings balance to your life and helps you grow.”
Meanwhile, Peggy Taylor, a Hollywood production assistant, is taking time out from her career to raise three-year-old Samuel Skye. “I worked with a lot of interesting and talented people … and I do miss it. But life for me now has come full circle.” At 47, she hopes that another child is still in her future.
Potential pitfalls
As rewarding as it can be, no one would argue that nurturing others is cost-free or without risk. When you invest your time, care, and your very heart in others, the results are often not measurable, and there is no guarantee that things will turn out like you hope.
And some women simply give too much, developing unhealthy co-dependencies, where they need to be needed. “If a woman struggles with self-esteem, she might care for others out of a sense of, ‘Look how important I am,’ and not really be doing what’s best for the individual,” says counselor Chris Dorn. “Some women tend to nurture everyone but themselves. But it’s important to also nurture yourself if you’re going to make it for the long haul.”
A beautiful life
Are we women nurturers by nature? Does it manifest itself in different ways, in different seasons of life, in different personalities? Should we embrace this part of ourselves, foster it and celebrate it? Rebecca Love Kourlis, who has served as a US state Supreme Court Justice since 1995, thinks so: “ Perhaps we have come far enough in our progression toward personal and professional equality to recognize and honor those traits that historically represented the feminine in society,” she writes. “We need those traits as people, to be whole.”
Isabel Roland, a writer and youth worker in Brazil agrees. “There are women who are not aware of their destiny. They are depriving themselves of a beautiful life.” This destiny, Isabel believes, is to “nurture” relationships, children, the needy. To pour from the vessel of ourselves into others. To help others grow. “To be a mother … in the wider sense.”
One of the most famous mothers of the last century—Mother Teresa—offered a vivid example of this. While following her way of life may seem unfathomable, she offered this description of a nurturing lifestyle that is realistic—even for women of the 21st century:
Spread love everywhere you go: first of all in your own house. Give love to your children, to your wife or husband, to the next door neighbor ... Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God’s kindness; in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile, kindness in your warm greeting.
~ Stacy is editor of Christian Women Today and the mother of two.
