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by By Lynn Hall, with Kari WestAdvice for divorced and single women coping with the longing for touch
As humans, we crave close encounters of the physical kind. Having been divorced now for four and a half years, I can go long periods of time without being touched. Do I miss it? You bet.
The longing to be touched is something we don’t readily share, because to say, “I want to be held” or even, “Somebody please hold my hand” might make us feel vulnerable, needy, or less independent than we want to be. We may even be fearful of appearing carnal and worldly.
We can be tempted to turn to wrong sources to have these very real needs met. And while giving in may satisfy momentarily, it only leads to guilt and shame. On the other extreme, we can deny that we even have unfulfilled longings. So we just put on a “game face” and we pretend that we haven’t a care in the world. Ultimately, neither extreme is beneficial.
Acknowledge the truth
The truth is, touch is necessary for survival. Research demonstrates that without it, a baby’s growth is stunted, animals become more aggressive and violent, and humans experience more anxiety.
I can’t help but wonder what researchers would discover if they studied the effect of touch on divorced women, who miss not only the physical soothing that touch brings, but the human connection that conveys we are worthy of someone’s time, attention and embrace.
We must acknowledge what is real: we are creatures meant for companionship; human warmth makes us feel good; and as single women, we miss the expression of both nonsexual and sexual touch.
Find ways to enjoy life-giving touch
Touch acknowledges both a shared humanness and our individual worth. It amplifies our sense of safety and security. Touch heals not only physically, but also psychologically, by affirming our need for belonging and acceptance. With 19 square feet of skin on your body, don’t be embarrassed about seeking life-giving touch.
- Give, and ask, for hugs.
- Snuggle with your children.
- Pet your dog.
- Link arms with the elderly and help them across the street.
- Splurge on a manicure, pedicure, haircut or even a massage.
What about those unexpressed passions?
While regular exercise can take some of the edge off unexpressed physical longings, most important is a big dose of God inspired-self control. We need to say no when stirred to respond to another’s touch in an inappropriate way. I would love to report that this is easily achieved; however, I find it an uphill battle. I do know that God’s grace is sufficient, even for this, and the more I rely on Him to meet my deepest innermost desires, the more strength I have in this area.
In his book, Shattered Dreams, counselor Dr. Larry Crabb writes:
We were created for happiness. Our souls therefore long for whatever we think will provide the greatest possible pleasure. We just aren’t aware that an intimate relationship with God is the greatest pleasure. Without knowing it, we yearn for an encounter with God that creates an experience far more intimate than any bride and groom have enjoyed on their wedding night…but in our foolishness we look for that experience in all the wrong places. To use biblical language, we dig broken cisterns to satisfy our thirst and walk right by the fresh spring of water that is God.
It is my goal to remember these words daily and apply them. I want to be a woman whose most intimate needs are met by God. A woman who can say no to the immediate in order to follow God in obedience. A woman who knows real intimacy from the mere illusion of it. A woman whose physical longings are voluntarily given to God for safekeeping until He provides the right mate with whom those feelings can be expressed and enjoyed.
~ Adapted with permission from the Divorce Wise Newsletter, issue 17, by Kari West, Garden Glories Publications. Divorce Wise is available online at www.gardenglories.com
