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by Rhonda Rizzo Webb
About a week after my Uncle Andy died, I spoke to my mother on the phone. It was a very difficult time for her—struggling with the loss of her oldest brother, her sister-in-law was fighting breast cancer, and Mama was dealing with severe illness as well.
She said something like, “I’m falling apart, Andy is gone and Doris is not doing any good at all. Could things get any worse?”
I replied with my pompous-Pollyanna attitude, “Of course things could get worse! Good grief, Mom, how negative can you be?”
Well, I spoke the truth. But, oh my! It certainly didn’t come out very loving.
My mom was hurting. She needed some compassion. The same truth spoken in an attitude of love might have sounded like, “Mama, I am so sorry things are so rough right now. I love you. It comforts me to know that God is in control.” I could have offered to pray with her. I could have, but I didn’t.
Do you see the difference? The truth was that things COULD have been much worse. Our hope is in the Lord. It was my choice to either communicate that truth indignantly or to communicate that truth in a loving way. I made the wrong choice.
Sometimes Truth requires us to challenge a sister in Christ with the reality that her behavior is ungodly. Usually I would rather ignore the situation, but God’s Word tells me otherwise. "And if your brother sins, go and reprove him in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother.” Matthew 18:15 (NASB77)
As Christians in the twenty-first century, we seem to be doing everything but what we are called to do. Either we avoid speaking truth in fear of offending someone – or we speak the truth so coarsely that we don’t display love at all, but cold, hard piety instead. God’s way is the best way – tenderly speaking God’s truth to one another.
The Apostle Paul was required to relate some difficult truths to the people in the church of Thessalonica. Shortly after he had established the church there, Paul found that the people had become idle and were caught up in other sin as well. Paul had to reprove them. He could have said, “What, are you people nuts? What are you thinking? Didn’t you listen to a word I said?” But, he didn’t. The elements of Paul’s first letter to the Thessalonians illustrate the meaning of “speaking the truth in love”.
Affirmation. Paul affirms the Thessalonians in Chapter One. He tells them he is proud of their faithfulness.
Relationship. In Chapter Two, Paul reviews his relationship to the people. He reminds them that he treated them with dignity. He cares for them as a mother cares for her children. He shared his life with them. Paul continues to express his love in Chapter Three.
Relationship is key here. If you are expressing truth to someone with whom your historical relationship is one of disrespect or hatred, how would you expect them to believe you, much less even want to speak to you? Without the relationship, Paul would have had no basis; no foundation for the people to accept what he had to tell them.
Linda’s divorce was not final. Her husband just didn’t seem to care about her anymore. Her friend, John, however, was attractive and attentive. Although she wasn’t yet divorced, what started as a friendship with John grew into a very intimate relationship.
Christy, a godly woman, was only an acquaintance of Linda’s but was very upset by this situation. Christy went to Linda in private and told her that her relationship with John was not right. It was sin. Their relationship would never be acceptable to God. It had to end.
Christy spoke the truth. She even had pure motives. But, she had no relationship, no history of devotion or mutual esteem, with Linda that would encourage Linda to accept this difficult truth from her. Needless to say, Linda didn’t take Christy’s interference very well.
Warning and Reproof. In Chapter Four, Paul had the difficult task of pointing out to these new believers that they needed to steer clear of sexual impurity. Also, some of them had started living a life of idleness and were depending on others for handouts. They were not being responsible. Paul had to reprove them for this behavior.
Encouragement. Paul ends his letter with encouragement in the fifth chapter. He tells them how they can find hope in the truth he has told them, and asks them to encourage one another.
There is a marked distinction between just communicating truth, and speaking the truth in love? Speaking the truth in love is: Truth (reproof and/or warning) communicated with affirmation and encouragement, and firmly established on a historical relationship of caring and commitment.
Ephesians 4:15 says as believers we should be “speaking the truth in love”. The primary way we reveal our love for God is by loving others. The clearest way that we manifest our love for others is through our words. Speak them with love.
~ Rhonda Webb is a gifted Bible teacher, a popular speaker at conferences and retreats, and the author of Words Begin in Our Hearts: What God Says about What We Say. Her strength is communicating biblical truth in a delightfully gracious, engaging and practical manner. Click here to order Rhonda's book or visit her website.
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