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by Cindy Carrell
Very recently, I have discovered that I am not Wonder Woman. As you can imagine, this came as a surprise to me. There I was, going out about my merry way, enjoying life, when BAM! I hit a wall.
That wall was myself.
So many times women forget that they cannot do it all and that they sure cannot do it alone. We try to meet everyone’s needs. I am proud that I put my husband and children first, but many times I never give myself a second thought. Sometimes I forget to even pray for myself.
The Call
God led us in the past few months to the ministry of foster care and adoption. After completing our training, we received several phone calls for various children of different ages and situations, and were eventually placed with a sibling group of three in our home. Overnight we became the parents of a one-year-old boy, a two-year-old girl and their three-year-old sister. Normally when parents prepare for children they usually have nine months and sometimes longer if they are planning for more than one! I should also mention that in addition, we have a biological son who just turned 18. Needless to say, our lives took a turn down a path that we had not yet trod.
You see, my husband Brandon, and I are very active within our church. We sing on the praise team, a quartet, and the church choir. We are both members of various committees. Brandon is a deacon and so we have been blessed to serve in family ministry as well. He also serves as our interim music minister. Yet here we were with three more babies on top of our filled schedules. I had to trust that God knew what He was doing.
My Meltdown
These children were not from happy, Christ-centered homes; they had issues of anger, abandonment and neglect. Our prayer had been that when God brought us the children, that He would protect our hearts and theirs. But I had forgotten that prayer. And since I had forgotten, I had taken matters into my own hands, like so many of us do, and began working hard to protect myself and the children for the day when they return home. Two weeks after the children had arrived, my meltdown began. I was literally fearful to be alone with them for one hour. Panic would come over me if my husband left my sight.
Let me proclaim to you and remind you if you are in a place where you have also forgotten that God will always supply just the right amount of Grace to you at just the perfect time of need.
As time went by, I began to mourn my marriage; I felt a loss that is difficult to explain. My husband and I share a deep bond that God has blessed and that we have nurtured. When we welcomed the kids into our home, it did not take long to realize that we were not going to have the time we once had. My descent became more rapid as I watched my life that I loved so much get lost in the hustle and bustle of potty training, time-outs, baby dolls, sippee cups and diapers.
I had lost myself somewhere along the way. My prayer life had always been full and intimate. But I found myself unable to hear God and sometimes I did not even feel His presence. I prayed for rejuvenation and patience; I prayed for God to show me what He wanted me to do; I prayed that He would send me a clear sign that I was not losing my mind! But I got nothing. I got nothing until I surrendered, that is.
My Surrender
We were slightly beyond the 10-week mark of having the children when the day came. I was taking the kids to daycare and I could not stop the tears. My daycare provider happens to be a very dear friend of mine. I thought, Well if I cannot contain the tears long enough to drop the kids off, that is ok. I will just let it all go. I was slightly panicked when I made my way up the drive only to see the car of another mom there. Ok, get it together, girl! Stop crying! With sunglasses in place, I quickly walked in and out, smeared mascara completely unnoticed.
I had become very good at putting on the happy face, the one that we all put on so that everyone thinks we have it all together. Surely, we cannot be expected to let people know we have problems. What about all the advice we give people? Can we not take our own? My husband is a deacon, I cannot be a mess. I am supposed to fix messes, after all. I mean, what would happen if we were actually honest? People might . . . they might pray for us! Sarcasm aside, those silly thoughts did run through my head. God led me to the home of another friend. I drove right on past my office and called her from my cell. It is sometimes difficult for "strong" women to admit they need help. I am one of these women. However, due to my mental state, I found it useless to try to convince God that I was totally fine.
So I made my way to Kay’s house. As she sat on her couch, she waited for me to speak. With God’s gentle nudge, I began to talk and she listened. Kay told me things that I have shared with others, but things that we sometimes forget when we are in the midst of a storm. She shared scriptures with me to help get my focus back on my Father. God used her to show me that because I had lost focus and because I was trying to be Wonder Woman, my mind, body, and spirit was exhausted. I could not even pray effectively. I was worn out. Kay became my tag team prayer partner. When I am weary - tag - Kay’s in. Oh, but even better, she was not alone. The friend that I mentioned earlier, my daycare provider, joined the team. Together, God had used them in mighty ways in my life that day and the days following.
I arrived in desperation and left with a glimmer of hope. God taught me a few hard lessons that day. Firstly, Brandon does not know what I am thinking and feeling unless I am completely honest with him - even about the little things. Time with him is not going to just happen anymore; we have to make it happen. It is ok if we have sandwiches for supper and if the laundry goes unfolded one day. Secondly, when I need help, I should ask for it before I get to the point of uncontrollable tears. I should ask for prayer and pray for myself as I pray for others. Thirdly, when I feel tired, I must praise God! Philippians 4:4-7 says, "Rejoice in the Lord always . . . Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
As women, we are created to be nurturers and comforters. Let us not forget that we also need to be nurtured and comforted. Let us not forget that if we keep our eyes on God, that everything else will fall right into place. A friend of mine has this true quote on her refrigerator: "The ONLY job you have is to believe that God will do His."
What about you? Has your life been spiraling out of control? Has God been dethroned from your heart? He waits for your surrender with open arms and a gentle, loving heart. Why not pray this prayer and by faith invite Him to take control again and fill you with His Holy Spirit:
Dear Father, I need You. I acknowledge that I have sinned against You by directing my own life. I thank You that You have forgiven my sins through Christ's death on the cross for me. I now invite Christ to again take His place on the throne of my life. Fill me with the Holy Spirit as You commanded me to be filled, and as You promised in Your word that You would do if I asked in faith. I pray this in the name of Jesus. As an expression of my faith, I thank You for directing my life and for filling me with the Holy Spirit. Amen.
If you prayed this prayer, we would love to hear about it!
