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by Dave and Donalyn Currie
Help! My 15-year-old daughter just asked for permission to go on her first date, and the idea scares me to death. What should I do?
Donalyn: While this is always a scary question to come a parent's way, it's important to recognize that it signals a clear acceleration of a difficult process: "Letting go." We can't transfer responsibility all at once, but we have to continue to release the reigns and trust our teen more over time. Prior to being hit with this question, we as parents need to have taken the time to talk through and write down some of our family's dating guidelines, ie at what age they are allowed to start, when it can be single dating vs. group dating, curfews and those kinds of things. That's the place to start.
Dave: Many parents fail to see the significance of thinking through what they really want for their kids in the area of dating, and because of that, end up having to make decisions by default under pressure. As Donalyn said, it's important to set family relational guidelines early. Agree on a plan of graduated freedom in their dating that slowly moves from dating in groups, to foursomes and finally to dating as a couple. Some other specifics we have used with our teens is that their plans have to be very clear as to what they're going to do, to let us know if the plans change, to let us know if there's going to be movement in the evening and to do so by calling during the evening. Further, the teen must get the OK from us before their plans are confirmed and must get permission before they move outside of our community. We have a right to know where they are. Help the teen understand that keeping you informed is one of the best ways they can build trust.
Donalyn: It's also important for parents to talk through the significance of the different aspects of dating with their teen. Now you need to talk through the relational significance of holding hands, and what a kiss means, and to work to keep those things special. You should discuss various expectations in relationships, the sexual pressures they will face, and help your teenager develop standards that they will want to use to guide them.
Dave: Donalyn and I developed a set of family relational guidelines, put it all on paper, and then discussed with our teens what we believed and why, as well as clarifying some of the rules. For some families one of our guidelines might seem quite archaic, but just three weeks ago again, a young man came and asked if he could date my daughter. You see, we require that the girls communicate to any potential boys that they have to ask their Dad permission to date them. This shows a lot of respect and also gives you a chance to talk to these young men personally. It's fun to watch how nervous they are sometimes!
Donalyn: One other thing that I really feel strongly about is our need as parents to simply pray more for our teenagers. They're facing a lot of pressures in a very complex world and our demands don't make it any easier for them, since our family's standards may be very different from their friends'. So ask God to prompt your heart to pray for your teens two to three times each day.
Dave: Keep in mind, finally, that your collision with your teenagers over dating guidelines, curfews and all, will lessen if your relationship is strong before you have to start saying "no" during the teen years. It's imperative to have a good relationship with your kids going into the teen years. So take the time to develop it now. And if you, like us, are in the middle of the teen years, work at understanding, listening, being flexible, and talking through the guidelines openly, while asking God to give you patience in your reactions to the frustrations you will experience. Donalyn and I have really enjoyed all these teen years with our kids. You can too.
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Dr. Dave Currie is the National Director of FamilyLife Canada. He and his wife Donalyn live in Abbotsford, BC , and are regular speakers at FamilyLife Marriage Conferences. Dave is also the host of Marriage Uncensored, a television program airing on CH Victoria, NOW TV (BC) and CH Hamilton (Ontario).
