Email 
Bookmark 
Print Learn To Communicate
by Geri Forsberg PhDCan you imagine what your life would be like if you couldn't communicate? That means no tone of voice, no body language or facial expressions, no words, no alphabet. Nothing.
Obviously, communication is central to human life. We can't not communicate. As humans, whether it's nonverbal or verbal, we are constantly communicating.
In the past 50 years, our world has been inundated with technology and various modes of communication. Televisions. Faxes. Computers. Satellites. Electronic mail and cellular phones. And more. But even though the speed of communication has dramatically increased, our communication skills have not necessarily improved with time or technology.
We all communicate, but few of us understand the nature of communication.
I believe effective skills in communication are necessary to maintain and increase the quality of our lives. If we can't communicate effectively, we will be led in a direction we don't want to go. We all have misunderstandings within our relationships. And it would be very easy to become confused, frustrated and disappointed simply because we are unable to communicate appropriately.
Broken and difficult relationships can be avoided by understanding the principles of communication, and the pitfalls we encounter. When we know and understand the process of communication, we can actively implement the principles, hone our skills, avoid the problems and become the effective communicators that we all desire to be.
There's a story told about an English woman who went to Switzerland on vacation. She liked it so much that she decided to move there. For help in finding a place to live, she went to the local schoolmaster because he could speak English. On her way back to England, she realized she hadn't seen a W.C. or water closet (washroom) in the apartment she had chosen. Dismayed, she wrote to the schoolmaster. Without any idea what a W.C. could be, the schoolmaster went to the minister. The minister remembered that this lady had expressed some interest in church, so he thought a W.C. must be what they call in Switzerland a Wayside Chapel. So, the schoolmaster wrote back this letter:
"My dear madame, I take great pleasure in informing you that the W.C. is situated nine miles from your house, in the centre of a beautiful grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and it is open on Sundays and Thursdays only. As there are a great number of people expected during the summer months, I suggest that you come early, although there is usually plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, especially if you're in the habit of going regularly. I would especially recommend your ladyship go on Thursday when there is organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard anywhere. The newest addition is a bell donated by a wealthy resident of the district. It rings every time a person enters. My wife is rather delicate and she cannot attend regularly. It's almost a year since she last went and naturally it pains her very much not to be able to go very often. I shall be delighted to reserve the best seat for you where you shall be seen by all. Hoping to be of some service to you, I remain affectionately yours, the schoolmaster."
The first principle of communication is that we need to understand its construction. If we understand how communication is built, then when it breaks down or shows signs of deterioration, we will know how to fix it. There needs to be a correspondence between the words we use and reality. The words we use are not reality; they are symbols that have been created to communicate what is real. So, you can imagine the confusion caused when two people's reality differs. The English woman must have been appalled when she received the schoolmaster's highly descriptive letter of what she thought was the nearest washroom!
It's also important to know that the language we use to symbolize reality is incomplete. We will always leave something out when we're retelling a story because we can never say everything about something. And the words we choose to describe something are not reality. They are our understanding of reality.
Do you remember the telephone game from elementary school? One child whispered a message to the next, who then passed it on down the line. By the time the message was spoken aloud at the end of its trip, it varied immensely. Why? Because each child understood the message differently and passed on what she thought were the important details.
How then do we avoid the pitfall of miscommunicating reality? Be careful in the words you choose. Be sure they symbolize what you really mean. And when you're communicating with someone, ask questions to clarify what the person really intends to say. If you are unsure about what your colleague means when he tells you he doesn't feel well, ask. Find out what his reality is. What do you do if someone gets angry at you and says, "You're all alike. I just can't stand it." The simplest and most natural thing to do is to react because she is angry. But imagine what would happen if you ask a simple question like, "What do you mean, we're all alike? What can't you stand?" Those questions and a few extra minutes allows the angry person to elaborate on her sentiments and inform you directly what id the matter. Then you can respond more appropriately.
Second, we all see the world differently. How we encounter the world has been influenced by who we are, our backgrounds, our education, our values and beliefs, our needs, positions, jobs, and more. In other words, we each see the world through our own set of lenses.
You can imagine when we all start communicating. Even though you may be looking at the same situation, person or object as your friend or spouse, you are each perceiving it through a different grid. I once heard a story about a woman travelling the New York City subway. She became quite impatient as she sat and watched four children run up and down the aisle. It bothered her to see that the father sat quietly and seemed unconcerned about his misbehaving children. After several minutes of watching the chaos, the woman finally spoke up. "Excuse me, but why don't you do something? Your children are out of control. Where is their mother?"
"I'm sorry, madam," the father said sadly. "We just came from the hospital. Their mother just died. I'm sorry."
Obviously, the woman was filled with compassion and began to see the situation through different eyes. It no longer mattered that the children were somewhat unmanageable; they no longer had a mother.
As communicators, we need to realize that people generally don't see life the way we see it. To become better at communicating, and to understand others' perceptions, we need to ask questions. We need to listen. Learn to delay your reaction until you have more information so you don't form inaccurate assumptions. These simple steps can help to quickly clear up confusion or misunderstanding.
The third principle is understanding that in the real world everything is extremely complex. Yet with language, we simplify it by categorizing our words and ideas, and often the categories are either/or opposites. If I say black, you'll probably say white. Up? Down. For? Against. Friend? Foe. In some respects, simplifying the real world like that enables us to bring order and coherence to it. But these categories become a pitfall of communication when we assume that reality is just as simple. In the process of simplifying things, we omit details, forget differences, ignore uniquenesses, and eliminate the various levels of meaning.
When we view life through such a narrow spectrum, thinking that life is as simple as an "either/or" situation, communication breakdowns are bound to occur. So, to guard against these pitfalls, we need to develop an open mind with each other and within our relationships. If you believe that reality is as simple as hot or cold, then you can only accept someone and accept what they say or you have to reject that person and reject what they say.
However, if you have an open mind, you have more options. An open-minded person can easily accept the speaker but reject the statement, or reject the speaker but accept the statement.
The fourth principle of communication is that in the real world everything occurs within a context. And yet language can separate what in reality cannot be broken apart. We have probably all been misunderstood or had misunderstandings when something has been taken out of its original context. Just like the woman on the subway. She lacked understanding and compassion for the father because she perceived the hyperactive children from her context. But from the father's context, the situation made sense.
What about an employee who does not seem to be working well? It may seem simplest for the organization not to renew her contract assuming that because she is not performing up to par, she must be lazy and even ill-equipped for the job. But what if her manager evaluates her environment (context) and realizes that the same employee in another environment would flourish and even excel?
Although we don't fully understand how much our environment influences us, we need to consider that when we communicate. We must be able to understand the context of our own communication. And we must understand that every message we receive has its own context. By understanding these foundational principles of communication, we can avoid and even solve our communication woes. And with those principles in mind, here are five things you can begin to do today to help you become a better communicator.
First, ask questions. Don't assume you understand what a person means. Once you ask a few questions, it doesn't take long to really find out what she really means.
Second, listen. To become a better communicator, you must be willing to listen so you can understand the other person's perspective.
Third, observe and be willing to verify the information you receive.
Fourth, let people know what you are thinking by sharing it. By disclosing information about yourself, it aids the other person in understanding who you are and how you are understanding them.
Finally, remember that love covers a multitude of sins. If your motives are wanting to understand people and accept them for who they are, then communication will be easier. But if you set out to convince them that your way is the right way, then that's not communication. And that's not love.
TAKE SOME TIME to think about a specific communication problem (difficulty, challenge) you have had recently or in the past.
1. In a few sentences, describe the problem.
2. In what environment (context) did this communication problem occur? (home, extended family, workplace, other)
3. Was the communication problem resolved? If so, was it resolved to everyone's satisfaction? How was the communication problem resolved?
4. What principles of communication could help you with this situation or other communication challenges in the future?
Now ask yourself some tough questions about how you communicate.
5. Am I seeking to understand the person?
6. Am I listening and really hearing what he is saying?
7. Am I expressing my own point of view so she understands what I mean?
8. Is there anything I'm doing in my nonverbal communication (tone of voice, body language, etc.) that I don't intend to communicate?
9. Am I making a quick judgement without examining the facts?
10. Am I trying to see things from many different angles or am I just looking at things in an either/or fashion?
11. Am I adjusting my own communication patterns to suit the person I'm dealing with?
DEVELOPING YOUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS and abilities is a lifelong process. Throughout our lives we are faced with challenges in communicating effectively. You can learn to be a more effective communicator by:
1. Observing and imitating excellent communicators.
2. Learning from your own and others' mistakes.
3. Developing a conscious awareness of communication habits, patterns, styles, strengths, weaknesses.
4. Applying principles of effective communication.
Geri Forsberg completed her doctorate in communications at New York University, where she held a teaching fellowship in the English Department. Dr. Forsberg is now assistant professor of communication at Trinity Western University in British Columbia, Canada.
