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Print When the Cradle Is Empty
by Claire Colvin, adapted from Reproduction Rollercoaster, by Dr. Stephen Genuis, MD
It has been my experience that couples suffering from infertility often do so in silence. They may feel a sense of shame or guilt, and some view their inability to conceive as some sort of nemesis for mistakes or errors made in the past. For some, there may be pressure from parents and in-laws to provide grandchildren. If this desire is not fulfilled, the couple may feel that they are disappointing relatives they care about.
Particularly when the nest is empty, it is not uncommon for friends to make inquiries and comments about when offspring might be expected. Although these comments may be made with no unkind or malicious intent, for a couple already distressed by their difficulty in procreating, such experiences can be very hurtful. The challenging cycle of anticipation and unwanted results may result in frustration and marital discord.
The emotional toll
Some professionals have commented that the instinct to produce offspring is nearly as strong as the will to survive. It is understandable that when this fundamental ability is unexpectedly lost, it is often met with serious grief. Couples dealing with infertility are not visibly ill, and therefore do not command the support, empathy and compassion that may be evoked by someone who is visibly suffering; yet their suffering is very real.
Because it is commonly younger adults who are affected by this problem, it may well be the first major crisis in their life or in their marriage. Some may not have developed the needed skills to deal with the crisis. The process of infertility treatment requires ongoing decision-making, each query bringing a new struggle and a new challenge. It is a very stressful time.
The death of a dream
Some authors have stated that losing the ability to conceive is equivalent emotionally to the loss associated with a death. Almost all couples assume that, if they so choose, children will be part of their future. This assumption is a strong influence on the relationship and future planning of many couples. When this objective is not realized, a profound sense of loss frequently ensues.
A friend of mine whose wife suffered from an infection following the insertion of an uterine device, has philosophized much about their reproductive status. He commented that "a part of us died when we heard that we would not be able to have children. That basic desire to have children was a living part of our existence, and when it was gone, we grieved deeply."
The temptation to pull away
As a couple becomes involved in medical investigation and treatment for infertility, it often becomes the focus of their lives and they may begin to feel isolated from those around them. Activities involving families with children may be avoided and friends who are pregnant serve as constant reminders of unfulfilled dreams. For some couples, their sense of failure and loss of self-esteem results in a withdrawal from even their close friends and families, people who might previously have been major sources of strength and support.
A very helpful resource for many couples experiencing infertility is the support and peer counseling provided by infertility support groups. Not only do such organizations frequently provide education regarding certain aspects of fertility, but they also provide a sense of belonging and companionship for individuals and couples who feel isolated and alone.
When the results come in
For many people, the diagnosis of infertility is quickly followed by the introspective questions, "Why did this happen to me?" For some individuals, the cause of infertility can be linked to a specific occurrence, and for others there may be the feeling that the inability to have children is a punishment for misdemeanors in the past. Whether or not they are a factor in the infertility, it is not uncommon for individuals to experience a deep sense of guilt over past experiences.
Are you suffering from the guilt or loss of self-esteem surrounding infertility? You are not alone. God loves you very much and can see your suffering. You can have the peace that you are looking for, even in the midst of heartache. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.
You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here's a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know You personally. Thank You for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to You and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank You for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of woman You want me to be.
If this prayer expresses the desire of your heart, pray it right now and Christ will come into your life as He promised. If you invited Jesus Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you'll experience life to the fullest.
Dr. Stephen Genuis has worked as a full-time obstetician for many years and has had the honor of delivering more than 6,000 babies. He has numerous publications in medical literature on various topics, but most importantly, he is Shelagh's husband and his kids' "Pa." You can order Dr. Genuis' books at Winfield House.
